I recently matched a girl from Bumble and we went on a first date last Friday. It’s now Sunday and I haven’t heard from her since. What should I do next? We seemed to have a connection on the date and the conversation flowed freely. We didn’t kiss but there seemed to be chemistry. I can’t understand why she hasn’t messaged, and I don’t know when I should set up the second date.
Thanks for the question, Phil.
First up, congratulations on your first date. Although you haven’t given enough information for me to go on, I hope you followed my first date blueprint. Either way, it sounds like you had fun and got on well with her.
You ask why she hasn’t contacted you even though you sensed a connection.
Guess what? She may be sitting there thinking the exact same thing! Why hasn’t this amazing guy got in touch with me?
As the man, it is your role to lead, especially in the early stage of dating. And therefore it is your job to initiate plans for the second date, even if you are unsure of whether she wants one.
If you want to, you go for it.
Bulletproof your mind
When you attempt to set up a second date your mind should be brimming with positive affirmations. You should be thinking:
- I would love to go on a second date with her, but I accept I may lose her.
- She doesn’t owe me anything. She may not want a second date with me and I am fine with that.
- However, I’m a cool, confident and fun guy so of course she wants a second date with me! She’s currently sitting by the phone waiting for me to arrange it.
Many men hesitate to arrange a second date because they are worried about being rejected. As I’ve pointed out many times, the only way to guarantee success is to get rejected many times and to accept you may lose her.
Having this mindset will ensure you act authentically and directly when you communicate with her, rather than trying to be too nice, or coming across too egotistical.
Yes, you must know what you want, what your goal is, and lead. But you must also be genuine with her, and show your full self.
Rules for setting up the second date
All of the ‘rules’ I’m about to give you below can be broken. But they are a starting point to jump off from until you learn what works best for you.
I recommend setting up the second date 1-2 days after you’ve had the first date.
After the first date, don’t be too eager to message her. In fact, you shouldn’t be texting at all in the first 24 hours unless she has contacted you first.
Dos when setting up the second date
- Attempt to set up the second date 1-2 days after the first date.
- Start the conversation by mentioning something funny or interesting that happened on the first date. Make it unique to her.
- Ask when she is free this week. Don’t mention the words ‘second date’.
- Once she gives you a day she is free, tell her you are going to meet up. Don’t ask, just as you did when arranging the first date.
- Do keep in mind the purpose of your texting – to arrange a second date.
- Do attempt to assess how she feels about you (see below).
- Do give a reason as to why she should come over to your house (don’t tell her it’s because you want sex with her. She knows that already but needs an excuse to alleviate social pressure and give her plausible deniability)
- Once you’ve scheduled the date, do keep on chatting until the conversation naturally ends.
Don’ts when setting up the second date
- Don’t attempt to schedule the second date immediately in your opening message.
- Don’t let the conversation drift off on a tangent. If it does, bring it back to the primary goal of getting a second date.
- Don’t gush about how amazing she was and how much you love her. Stay cool, my friend.
- Don’t text her between arranging the second date and going on it, unless she messages you first.
- Don’t try to arrange everything in one message. First get agreement on meeting up again.
- Don’t beg her for a second date if she says no.
Assessing how she feels about a second date
How she responds to your messages after the first date can give you a strong indication about how keen she is about you.
Signs she’s interested in a second date
- She messages you within 2 hours of the first date, without you initiating (she’s VERY interested)
- She mentions a quality about you she likes, either physical or a personality trait (she’s VERY interested)
- She responds to your messages within 10 minutes
- Her responses are as long or longer than yours
- She uses lots of emojis (younger girls do this more often), including winky faces (my favourite)
- She uses excessive exclamation marks!!!!
- She attempts to continue the conversation if you let it drop
- She asks you questions
- She asks you when you are next free
Signs she’s neutral about a second date
- She doesn’t message you after the date
- She takes a while to respond to messages but does respond
- Her responses are neither positive or negative
- She asks you a couple of questions but not every message
Signs she’s not interested in a second date
- She hasn’t responded to your message after 2 days (move on, she’s VERY dis-interested)
- She takes hours to respond to your messages, even though you know she’s seen them
- Her responses are short and abrupt
- She doesn’t use any smileys or excessive exclamation marks
- She doesn’t attempt to re-initiate the conversation when you end it
- She doesn’t ask you any questions in her responses
- Her style of texting differs from before you went on the first date
Putting it all together
Now you know the strategy, let’s put it all together into some examples.
Example of a hypothetical second date request conversation
I made this one up. It didn’t really happen. But it follows the pattern I regularly use.
- Me: How did you get on at your all girl’s reunion. Much naked pillow fighting? 😉
- Her: Ha! No none of that sort of behaviour. It was very tame.
- Me: Ah shame 🙂 What’s your diary looking like this week?
- Her: Err quite busy but I’m free Wednesday.
- Me: Cool. We should catch up then.
- Her: Definitely.
- Me: I’ve got a new recipe I want to try. Come over to mine about 7pm and let’s see how it tastes!
- Her: Sounds fun. Send me your address.
Simple, right? It really doesn’t take much. If the woman likes you she will agree to a second date. If she doesn’t like you, she won’t.
Your job is simply to float the idea and see how she reacts.
Example of real second date request conversation
A woman had told me she was going to a cookery class in a text a few days after the first date.
- Me: How was it? Break a few hearts as well as plates 😉
- Her: It was so so so so so so bad
- Me: I have to hear about this! You around Friday or Saturday?
- Her: I’m far far too hungover to access the diary in my mind, but I’m 45% sure I can do Friday….
- Me: Being a betting man those odds suck! And my friend’s just invited me somewhere so Friday’s out.
- Her: Ouch. So Saturday then?
- Me: Yeah Saturday is good
Let’s break the important parts down.
Line 1: My opening message doesn’t reference a second date. I just want to re-engage her.
Line 2: She responds within 20 minutes, but her message is shorter than mine and doesn’t attempt to carry on the conversation. However, this is her normal style so I’m not worried.
Line 3: I ask for the second date quickly, because that is the purpose of this conversation. If I didn’t think she was keen I would have built a bit more rapport with a couple of additional short messages.
Notice how I don’t mention the words ‘second date’. I simply ask if she is free Friday or Saturday. I want the date to be on the weekend to increase the chances of her staying the night at mine and us having sex on the second date.
Line 4: Her jokey 45% response was difficult to read. Was she saying she probably couldn’t make it or could.
Line 5: I don’t want uncertainty, and my friend really had just invited me out, so I decided to take Friday off the table.
Many guys would have made the mistake of cancelling on their friend and accepting the 45% figure. But I wanted to make it clear I wasn’t waiting around for her, and if she wanted to see me she would have to make more of a commitment. Dating is a two person endeavour, and I’m not willing to chase her. I’m willing to accept I may lose her by doing this.
Line 6: It works. She senses I need a direct answer and confirms she can do Saturday.
Line 7: I confirm, and leave the conversation at that. I’ll follow up closer to the time with more details.
Example of assessing her second date potential
This was sent two days after the first date, and I hadn’t heard from her since the first date.
My opening message follows the rules. I don’t mention a second date in my opening message, but do reference something personal to her (she enjoyed anagrams).
Her first response took 1 hour 15 minutes to come in, not unusually long and a neutral sign.
But notice how her responses are one word, and she makes little attempt to play my game, making only one guess.
At this point it is obvious to me she is not interested, and so I pre-empt her rejection and leave on good terms with a good bye message.
Her response confirms my suspicions, and I can happily move on (because I accept rejection is part of the process).
Setting up a second date really isn’t difficult. But as a man it is your job to do it. Rarely will a woman arrange it for you, unless she’s super keen.
When you do set up a second date, keep the conversation casual but directed towards the goal you want. Lead firmly and with your masculine energy. Women are very attracted to this.
If she doesn’t want a second date, leave it at that. If it makes you angry or your feel rejected you should work on those anger issues.