Women classify men into three categories: Friend, Boyfriend, and Lover.
Imagine three concentric circles, like an archery target. The Largest circle represents the Friend zone, the middle circle the Boyfriend zone, and the inner circle the Lover zone.
The Friend zone holds all men with whom she has no sexual attraction. These can be close friends, colleagues, or acquaintances. She in no way gets excited, aroused or turned on in their presence.
The Boyfriend zone contains either a current boyfriend (in a typical monogamous relationship) or men she’s met who are potential boyfriends.
The final circle, containing just one or two men, is the Lover zone. This area is reserved for the guy who does not have the right qualities to be a boyfriend, but turns her on at a primal level, and she is having sex with.
Three Types of Men
Let’s look at each of type of man in more detail.
The Boyfriend (sometimes referred to as Provider) is someone who she is either exclusively dating, or is a candidate who might fill the role at some point in the future.
Traits of a good Boyfriend include:
- Reliable/predictable. She knows she can rely on him to be there for her. He won’t abandon her in her hour of need. He shows up to look after her when she is sick. He holds her hair when she pukes into the toilet having drunk too much alcohol. He makes plans with her and doesn’t cancel on her.
- Good job/car/house. He has a good job, or has the potential to have a good job. He works hard and earns money. Money provides security and stability, both of which women crave in a relationship, because for most the ultimate goal is marriage and a family. Money means he can look after her when she is at home looking after the child and not working. It means she’ll have a roof over her head, and clothes and food for the baby.
- Loyal. He is invested in her enough to forsake his drive to sleep with other woman and settle down with her.
- Safe. He’s the safe option. He doesn’t do drugs or party into the small hours every night. She knows his schedule and where he is going to be when.
- Submissive. You may not agree with this one, but in a relationship women love to control their man. She stops him going out for drinks with his friends. She orders him around the house. She screams and shouts and withholds sex when she doesn’t get her way. In most relationships this process continues, the man becoming weaker, the woman stronger.
The ideal Boyfriend has the potential to become a fantastic and loving father, and to raise children in a safe and comfortable environment.
The rogue, player, dandy, libertine, troubled artist, band musician.
The guy who is able to seduce women with ease. He may not have his life together, and might have some serious character flaws (abusive, drug addict, drinks too much, no job) but his charm captivates women and makes them weak at the knees. He possesses the traits of a True Alpha – confidence, dominance, outcome independence, abundance.
He breaks rules, speaks his mind, and doesn’t care if he loses her because he knows he can find another women in a heartbeat.
He’s elusive, a mystery, and difficult to pin down. He’s a challenge, a puzzle she needs to solve. Her mind goes into overdrive when he’s not around, wondering if she will ever see him again or if he will disappear into the night without so much as a goodbye. She accepts she may never be able to hold on to him, or be enough for him, but still attempts to make it happen by changing him for the better and ‘saving him’. She is more deeply invested in him than he ever will be in her.
The Lover has a hypnotic power over a woman. She day dreams about him, gets nervous around him, thinks about him when she touches herself. Even when he dismisses her or treats her badly, she can’t keep him off her mind. Years after breaking up with her, she still thinks about him.
She knows he’s too unreliable to make a good father, but he’s good for a short term fling filled with excitement, adventure and sex.
The Friend zone is for men she has no romantic interest in whatsoever. He’s the guy she calls to hang out with when she’s bored. He’s the guy who provides a shoulder to cry on when she sleeps with a Lover and gets jilted.
He’s the nice guy who would love to go out with her, and is only her friend because he hopes and prays one day she’ll give him a chance.
In most cases a man who is friends with a women would sleep with her given the chance. It is rare for a guy to friend zone a woman (we’ll take all the sex we can, thank you very much), unless he does not find her attractive.
This category excludes Friends with Benefits. A guy who is sleeping with a female friend is actually a Lover.
Examples in film
Clearly, you don’t ever want to be put in the Friend zone. So instead let’s concentrate on the dynamic between Boyfriend and Lovers. Hollywood films are littered with examples.
In Bridget Jones’s Diary (see trailer above), Colin Firth plays Mark Darcy, a straight laced lawyer. He’s smart, successful and has money.
Yet Bridget bypasses him and falls for her boss, Daniel Cleaver, played by Hugh Grant, who’s a roguish, forward, aggressive, sexy, exciting playboy who doesn’t care for her as much, but enjoys having sex with her.
He employs many of the tactics described in my first date blueprint, including talking about sex on a date.
Over dinner in one scene (1:16 mark in the trailer above) the conversation goes like this:
Daniel: ‘I think you should tell me a lot more about practising French kissing on the other girls at school’
He’s exuding Lover energy. He’s masculine, cocky, and using sexual humour. It turns the date sexual and keeps the conversation exciting. He says the line with neutral tonality. He pours her wine and looks down whilst saying it to imply a non-caring attitude. He’s not worried about her reacting negatively because he is outcome independent. And he isn’t giggling like a school girl, but discussing sex in an adult and indifferent way.
Bridget: ‘It wasn’t French kissing’
Coy, intrigued, bashful, but his boldness is exciting and she gets turned on.
Daniel: ‘Yes it was, make it up’
Funny and commanding at the same time. A perfect combination to generate massive attraction spikes.
Meanwhile poor Mark Darcy, continues to pursue Bridget, confessing his love to her, and doing other beta things to try and win her.
Mark: ‘The thing is, I like you. Very much. Just as you are’
This line alone puts him in the Boyfriend zone, bordering on the Friend zone. It demonstrates he is already highly invested in her, and she no longer has to win him over. He’s not a challenge anymore, and therefore boring to her.
She let’s him chase, meanwhile continuing to sleep with her boss, until eventually he mans up and starts displaying some alpha traits, before finally winning her over at the end of the film.
In the second film, despite supposedly enjoying the relationship, she blames him for not promising her marriage (not understanding the real reason she isn’t content is because he isn’t exhibiting Alpha trains) and exits the relationship. And guess what, she falls right back into bed with the Lover, who injects the excitement back into her life.
Which should you be?
To be successful at dating you should ALWAYS position yourself as a Lover first. Once you have sparked attraction in the woman you are dating, then you can decide to display more Boyfriend traits or keep acting as a Lover depending upon the response you are getting.
If you initially position yourself as a Boyfriend one of three things will happen.
- She’ll want exclusivity fast. She’ll see your family raising potential and know she’s found a rare gem. She’ll demand you stop seeing other women in order to lock you down.
- She’ll friend zone you. You won’t get her attracted enough on your dates and she’ll return home to tell her friends you were nice but she just ‘didn’t feel a spark’. That’s girl code for she didn’t want to ravish you sexually. She may continue dating you but she’ll be distant and you’ll get the ‘Let’s just be friends’ speech eventually.
If you position yourself as a lover things are very different.
- She won’t demand exclusivity upfront. She’ll EXPECT you to be dating other women (because she understands how attractive your qualities are to other women) and won’t try and tie you down for an extended period of time.
- She won’t bring you drama. She’s with you for excitement, not boring chat. She’ll save the emotional turmoil in her life (‘omg I’m sooooo upset, my best friend just called me an idiot and now I’m not talking to her for a week’) for the guys in the Boyfriend and Friend zone.
- You’ll get more sex. Women will have sex with you quicker. Not only do they find you super hot, but they sense you may not be in their lives long. The don’t have to worry about showing you behind the curtain and scaring off a potential boyfriend.
- You’ll have control. You’ll be in a better position to decide where you want the relationship to go. Do you want to continue taking non-exclusively or do you want her to become your exclusive girlfriend? You get to choose.
When dating women learn to sense which of the zones they are putting you in. If you are classified as a Friend move on. If you are classified as a Boyfriend you need to ramp up your Lover traits. And if you are in the Lover zone just sit back and enjoy the ride!