I’m going to share with you my secrets for having a successful first date every time you meet a women.
The first date is about getting her attracted to you, and making sure you are attracted to her. It is at that moment she will categorise you as No, Provider or Lover. And if you’ve read anything on this site before, you’ll know I always advocate being the Lover first. It makes second date sex easy and grants you access behind the curtain.
A successful first date is about SIMPLICITY.
It’s about you and her in an environment where you can TALK to each other. It is not about elaborate displays of romance or going on wild crazy adventures.
When you get deeper in to dating (third plus date), then you can start going on exciting dates, having dinners, going to shows, looking around art galleries, walking in the park. But for now, keep it simple.
Even so, the first date can be a minefield. You’ve got to successfully navigate the one or two hours without making any mistakes, faux pas, all whilst convincing her you are someone she should sleep with at some point in the future.
Having a consistent structure for your first dates will maximise the changes of achieving that objective.
Why a first date blueprint makes a difference
You might think having a set of guidelines would make first dates less interesting.
Ultimately the date is about the woman you are with. There’s an excitement of not knowing how she will react, what she will say, and what the outcome will be. Each woman you date will have different things to say about the world, how they live in it, how they perceive it. That’s where the intrigue lies.
The first date blueprint is flexible enough to allow magic to happen, but constrained in specific ways to generate maximum attraction.
A first date blueprint:
- Gets you into a rhythm. It makes you more relaxed and confident. Some guys hesitate to arrange first dates because they are scared of making a mistake. By having some first date principles to hand, they will become routine, and your anxiety levels will drop to almost zero (although you’ll still get those nervous butterflies).
- Helps you learn what works and what doesn’t. When you know this, you can tweak individual items until you succeed. If you change up the major elements of every first date, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly what went wrong and where you can improve.
- Keeps the focus on her. When the basics are being taken care of by your unconscious mind, it frees your present, conscious mind to connect with her emotionally, noticing what makes her unique.
My first date blueprint
Below is an outline of how I conduct 90% of my first dates. I’ve bullet-pointed everything to allow you to skim over it quickly. Make no mistake, I could write a 1,000 word article on each of the points. There are subtle nuances to each one. However, before diving in deep you should have a rough overview of the overall approach.
The lead up
- Follow the advice about preparing for a first date.
- Arrange the date in the evening if possible. It sets a romantic, relaxed mood. A coffee during a lunch time break is too time constrained. In the evening there’s always an excuse to leave if things aren’t going well (I need to get some sleep).
- The location should be a cool bar. You need to be able to talk and hear her clearly, so avoid loud music. Don’t do a cinema or restaurant date.
- Arrive a little bit later than her (2-5 minutes). Circle the block if she isn’t there and wait until she messages you. Sometimes she will message you saying she is going to be 15 minutes late. If that happens, you should still arrive later than her.
- Welcome her enthusiastically when you see her. Smile. Kiss her on the cheek and touch her arm whilst doing so.
- Don’t comment on her physical appearance, but do compliment her on something she is wearing. The compliment should be one you could give you mum, not “You look so hot in that tight dress”.
- Don’t bring her any gifts. No flowers, chocolates, or, heaven forbid, a card in an envelope. Gifts immediately set the expectation that she is above you. Thanking the girl for going on a date with you is so beta/nice guy it hurts.
- Meet outside the bar so you can guide her inside with a light touch on the lower back.
At the venue
Inside the bar, it is time to turn up the charm and charisma. Over the next 1-2 hours you are going to find out about her, and get her excited about seeing you again.
- Choose a seat where you can sit next to each other, not opposite. You need to be close to her. Ideally you have scoped out the bar beforehand and chosen a spot. Maintain a reasonable distance so she doesn’t feel threatened.
- Use confident body language throughout the date. Lean back, and stretch out. Keep excessive movements to a minimum. Don’t stretch out so much you look like you are overcompensating or about to slide off your chair.
- Use a relaxed and calm voice tone. End your sentences with a neutral or downward inflection.
- Ask what she wants to drink then go to the bar and get it. Pay whilst you are there. Don’t order anything fancy like champagne. Don’t make a fuss about paying or mention it to her.
- Make small talk for 10-15 minutes to allow her to relax. Nothing boring or serious. Keep it light.
- Do 30% of the talking, listen to her 70% of the time. She should be talking much more than you.
- Don’t try and impress her by telling her how much you earn, how good your job is, or what car your drive. Be humble, cheeky, smooth and suave. Keep your ego out of it.
- Deep dive into her life. Ask open ended questions. Subjects should include her passions, family, childhood and travel. Avoid religion, work (unless it is her passion – it usually isn’t) and politics.
- Use strong, soft eye contact and a slight closed mouth smile when listening to her.
- Don’t be judgemental or argumentative about anything she says, even if you don’t agree.
- As soon as possible, segue the conversation to sex. Ask her if she is dating a lot and take it from there. If you’ve set the right non-judgemental, playful tone, she will open up. Get explicit if you can. Back off if she isn’t responding positively.
- Touch her, but don’t creep her out. At the start of the date, when asking what she wants to drink lightly touch her forearm. Don’t linger, it should be brief.
- Ask about her necklace or earrings. It gives you the opportunity to touch her ears and neck/chest area. Don’t ask permission, “Can I see?”. Give her a compliment, then ask where she got them as you lean over, take the item between your fingers and inspect it closely. This is a excellent way of gauging how the date is going. If she recoils in disgust, you are creeping her out. If she leans in, brushes her hair away from her face to give her a better look, you are in luck. Then go straight back into normal conversation. Make sure you read her body language to know if she will accept you doing this.
- Ask if that’s her natural hair colour. As you do touch her hair with one hand as if inspecting it, no more than a second, then let it go and lean back waiting for her answer. Again, watch her body language.
- Relax. You are the one in control of the date. Don’t worry if she likes you or not.
- Keep an eye on how she is feeling. Notice what emotions she exhibits when she speaks. Make sure she is comfortable, happy, excited or turned on. Talk about subjects that get her to feel these emotions strongly.
- Don’t have more than two drinks. If she suggests getting a second round, let her pay.
- The moment you sense things are going well, go for the kiss. Do so in a moment where there is silence and the sexual tension has built. Simply lean in and go for it, putting your finger lightly under her chin. If she moves away from you, smile and make light of it. Don’t start getting annoyed with her or asking why she won’t kiss you. Resume your conversation.
Ending the date
- After an hour or two, end the date. It can naturally come to a close after you finish your first or second drink. Don’t spend hours with her unless you think she wants sex soon.
- Walk her to the nearest bus or tube stop. Make sure she knows how to get home.
- Kiss her goodbye on the lips, but only if you have already kissed her in the bar. If you didn’t, then kiss her on the cheek.
- Don’t ask her how she thought the date went or how she feels about you. Don’t arrange to meet again right then and there. Don’t tell her you had a really great time.
- After the date, message her 1-2 days later, and only to arrange the second date.
This type of date structure exists for a reason. There may be some things you disagree with or want to change. I highly recommend you give it a go before you start making tweaks and see how well it works.
For example, when I first learned the principle about being sexual on a first date, I thought there was no way it would work. I expected women to be creeped out and think I was some kind of pervert. I did it anyway. Now women regularly have sex with me on the second date instead of making me wait weeks.
Another principle which scared me was moving quickly and not hesitating. Don’t be a slow mover. You must establish yourself as a Lover from the outset, someone who is confident around women and goes for what he wants.
Several woman I’ve dated have since told me that touching them on the thigh during the first date told them everything they needed to know, and that I wanted to sleep with them. And because I was a cool, non-needy guy who wasn’t creepy, they were happy to oblige, usually that night or on the second date.
The final piece of the puzzle is calibration. Some of the techniques above will only work once you learn to read her, and understand what state of mind she is in. On some dates I can be kissing a woman and be squeezing their bum within 30 minutes. Others I only touch a few times and don’t kiss until the second date. Try and escalate too soon, either verbally or physically, and you will be labelled a creep. Only real-world experience will teach you how far you can push each date.
The outline above has served me well, and I believe it will help you too. Try it out, see what happens, and modify as required.