Below is a transcript of the video.
In this video I’d love to share with you my technique for structuring a conversation when you meet someone that you want to flirt with.
Firstly, I’m going to show you 2 ways in which people go wrong when they’re trying to flirt in a conversation. Here is my amazingly hand-drawn diagram. As you see, it’s perfect!
We’ve got 2 areas. The first at the top is when you are flirting with someone and at the bottom is when you are talking normally to them in a normal, casual conversation. The kind of way you talk to your mum and your dad, your friends, your family, someone you’ve just met.
Along the bottom, is time, representing the start of the conversation, the middle point of the conversation, and the end of the conversation.
Now obviously you will know when you’re going to into situation, roughly how long you have to talk to someone. It might be at a networking event and you know you roughly have 15 minutes of their time. On a date you know you have 2 hours of their time. Structure this accordingly and expand the time frame based on the event that you’re in.
Now here’s what most people do, most people talk normally and then every now and again they throw in a little bit of a flirt with the person. They try and flirt with the person but the flirt is not strong enough. The person that they are with perhaps doesn’t even notice that they’ve tried to flirt and they get no reaction from the other person.
You then go into your head. You’re like, “Oh, I tried to flirt but it didn’t work. I shouldn’t do it again. Maybe they don’t like me.”
It’s because they haven’t even noticed.
You go back to your normal boring conversation and maybe if you’re feeling a bit confident, you throw in another little flirt right at the end, but nothing.
Now at that point if you ask for the person’s number, they’d probably say no.
This is the easiest way to get put into what’s called “the friend zone” or just to have no real connection with the person apart from a very friendly one.
Mr/Mrs Try Too Hard
At the opposite end of the scale we have this guy or girl. This person loves to flirt and they just flirt outrageously and continuously throughout the night. They start off and immediately they’re into flirting, they flirt right through the conversation, all the way to the end.
Maybe they drop it for a little bit to have a bit of a break but then they’re right back into flirting and all the way to the end. Now this can work. I’d say this is definitely a better approach than the 1st approach I showed you.
The problem with this approach is you never get to see the real person.
Have you ever come across someone who is always cracking jokes. Whatever you say to them, they will always retort back to you. They will joke around, they’ll always be doing fully stuff. It’s great for 10 minutes but after a while it becomes a bit of a drain.
You eventually start to realise, “Maybe this guy is hiding some sort of insecurities about himself and that is the reason why he’s continually cracking jokes.”
He never seems to let his guard down and you never seem to understand or find out about who the real person behind all those jokes are. If he was able to do that, if he was able to show a bit more of that authentic real self as well as cracking all the jokes, then he would become a far more attractive person.
If someone comes up to you and they’re flirting really outrageously with you and you know it, it’s not really a challenge. You know that that person is interested in you. What would be better is if someone flirted and then went back to starting a conversation.
You’d be like, “Oh, was he flirting with me? Was she flirting with me? Is there something going on here?”
Not only that but when you return to then basically have a conversation, you actually get to know the person and that’s what you want. You don’t just want to be flirting and putting in loads effort to attract someone but you don’t know anything about them and they don’t know anything about you. That’s what’s going on here. The guy or girl is just trying way too hard, continuous flirting. If you try this in a networking or social event, it’s going to come off across as a little bit creepy.
What do we do?
The Heartbeat Method
Well, here’s what I like to call the heartbeat method.
Rather than continuously flirting or not flirting at all, what you’re going to do is you throw in spikes of flirting throughout the conversation. 1st up it’s important at the beginning of the conversation that you do flirt and you make it obvious to the other person that you’re flirting with them.
You’ve got to make them think, “Oh, he was just flirting with me, wasn’t he? She was just flirting with me? Oh, this is interesting.” The secret is, you don’t then continue to flirt. You drop back down into your standard conversation right here and you continue like that for a while.
The other person is now intrigued because they sensed you were flirting with them and not only that, but your conversation is actually pretty good and you’re getting to know them.
You’re making them feel at ease, you’re building rapport and they’ve got a little bit of a sense that, “Oh, this guy is interesting or this girl is interesting.” You’ve hooked them in a little bit and then you do the same thing again. You throw in a little bit of flirting and a bit more.
All the time, not going over the top, always dropping back to this level of conversation, the standard level of conversation. By this stage, when you reach the end of the conversation, the person you’re with knows that you’re flirting with them. You’ve probably got a good sense of whether they’re flirting with you because when you drop down back to this base level, that gives them the space to flirt back with you.
If you’re the guy who is always flirting, you don’t often listen to the body language or the other person. You don’t give them the space to flirt back with you, whereas this method you do. You know when you get to the end of the conversation right here that the person is interested in you.
Not only that, but you’ve build rapport with them and they get a sense that you can actually hold a decent conversation and you’ve got interesting things going on in your life. You get to the end, you build that good rapport and this is where you can ramp up the pressure. Now you can start to flirt pretty hard and not come across as creepy because you know that the other person is interested in you. You can make these more frequent and more strong.
This is the kind of phase where you would ask for the person’s phone number or if you’re on a date, you’d go for the kiss. Think of it as a heartbeat. As you go through, you’re throwing in little spikes of flirting and then you’re returning to the baseline. A bit more, a bit more and so on.
If you do this, I promise you you’ll have a lot more success and you’ll find a lot more genuine people who are attracted to you personally. Rather than going out and just either never flirting, which is never going to get you anywhere or continuously flirting which will attract some people. It’s very difficult to maintain that continuous high flirting energy. Then if you do then get them on a date or a 2nd date or a 3rd date, you can’t always be like that.
At some point you’re going to have to drop back down into your normal conversation where then, under that point, they may not be attracted to you anymore. Because they begin to see the real person and you can see them and you two just simply don’t get along.
If you’ve shown them some of your interests, some of your values, some of your real personality during the initial stages of conversation, and you flirted with them. You’ve build both that level of attraction and rapport and that is very strong.
There you have it, The Heartbeat Method. Use it when you’re talking to someone that you want to flirt with. It’s more engaging, it’s less creepy and you’ll have more success with it.