Whilst dating it’s important you make the woman you are with feel special.
It’s often not grand gestures that make me feel fantastic. It’s the smallest things someone does for you that lets you know they care about you.
Making her feel special doesn’t have to mean buying her expensive gifts or making over blown romantic gestures costing a lot of money.
Sometimes all it takes to make her feel special is acting a certain way towards her. It’s about making her feel appreciated, and better yet, appreciated for the things that make her different to all the other women in the world.
Why make a woman feel special?
Dating someone is about building a partnership. Everyone likes to be made to feel special because it lets her know you care about her being part of your world. If she feels neglected or replaceable, she’s not going to want to stick around with you or be a part of your life.
Make her feel special, and she will want to remain in your company, you’ll have a deeper connection between the two of you, there will be less emotional drama, and she is likely to make you feel special in return (although it’s important to give without expecting anything in return).
How to make a woman feel special
It starts with your attitude. I believe there are a few common traits you should embody as a person in every day life, regardless of whether or not you are dating. Exhibiting these traits around people will naturally make them feel special.
Within each trait, I’ve listed specific examples of making a woman feel special.
1. Be present
The ability to be present in everyday interactions is a powerful skill. Many of the other items on this list will come naturally to you when you learn to access a state of presence.
Being present means not thinking about what has happened in the past or what might happen in the future. It’s about paying attention to the here and now. It’s learning to step away from the constant mental chatter in your head and observe the world without judgement.
Not easy, but a formidable skill nonetheless.
Being present makes the following easier:
- Active listening. The process of fully concentrating on what is being said rather than just passively ‘hearing’ the message of the speaker. It’s a way to connect with a person without judging or interjecting your own thoughts or opinions. Often, people simply like to talk, and even if they are struggling with a challenge, they don’t really want a solution. They just want an ear to chew. Be that person. Tell the masculine part of your brain that loves solving problems to be still for a moment. The woman you are dating will appreciate it. Learn more about active listening.
- Focus on her. Focus your entire attention on her. Not on the surroundings. Not absently glancing at your mobile phone screen. Not in your head wondering what to say next or what you’re doing later. But laser focussed on her, as if she is the only thing in the world right now. Imagine a bubble surrounding the two of you blocking out all other sounds and distractions. It feels wonderful to be paid attention to and heard in today’s ADHD world.
These two things are a great way to make her feel special when you are together.
If you struggle with being present, I recommend listening to Eckhart Tolle on YouTube. Notice how still Eckhart is in this video. He listens to the question being asked, and takes his time once the question has been asked to see what answer arises in his mind. There is no rush.
The guy asking the question will no doubt feel special because he knows Eckhart has listened to him with presence, and heard him fully. How many of us, put into a similar situation, would be in our heads thinking ‘Will I be able to answer his question?’, ‘What if he doesn’t like the answer?’, ‘What are the rest of the audience thinking?’?
2. Be considerate and thoughtful
Considerate: showing kindly awareness or regard for another’s feelings, circumstances
Dating is about the relationship between two people. Therefore, you should always be understanding towards how the other person is feeling and how they live their life. You may have to make little compromises or sacrifices in order to meet on common ground at some points.
Failing to do so would demonstrate a lack of consideration. But being able to empathise with another person’s situation makes them feel special.
Here are some examples of being considerate and thoughtful to make her feel special:
- Carrying her bag for her. Why? Because she may be tired or not as strong as you. Offering to carry her bag is you showing firstly that you have recognised she may not want/be able to (awareness) carry them easily for herself, and secondly you are doing something about it (action).
- Keeping her favourite tea bags in your cupboard. She loves a cup of tea in the morning? Then buy her favourite brand and have them ready for her.
- Open the car door for her. The taxi arrives and before jumping in yourself you open the door for her so she can get in. This isn’t patronising. Both parties know she is fully capable of opening the door for herself. It’s just a small gesture to show her you want to make sure she is safe.
- Buy her a small gift. Buy something that doesn’t cost a lot of money, is personal to her, and she wouldn’t necessarily buy for herself. And example would be a peanut butter cookie if she’s mentioned in the past she likes peanut butter. Or pulling her favourite chocolate bar out of your pocket during a date. Or a silly drinks coaster with a phrase on it she often says. Make the gift unique to her, not simply a bunch of flowers or a generic box of chocolates.
- Recognise and react to how she is feeling. If she is feeling amazing after just having passed her exams or got a pay rise then mirror her excitement. Celebrate with her. If she is feeling tired or upset then provide comfort and support. Don’t attempt to solve her problems, just be there for her to listen and cuddle.
- Run her a bath. You know she’s had a tiring week. Run a bubble bath and have it ready for her when she gets in. If you are in the later phases of dating, feel free to romanticise the experience with scented candles and rose petals. If you are only a couple of weeks into dating then hold the excessive romantic gestures. At that stage you still want her to be chasing you somewhat.
- Respect her decisions. You may not agree with her, but respect her right to make her own decisions. Don’t attempt to control her. If she doesn’t want to stay the night, accept it. If she doesn’t like your favourite TV show, don’t force her to watch it. Understand you are two different people, even if you are dating. Some things you will agree on, some you won’t.
None of this takes massive amounts of effort on your part. Being considerate often doesn’t. Ultimately it’s about paying attention to her, sensing her state of mind, and acting accordingly to amplify or assist.
3. Be interested
We are alone in this world.
We go through life making small talk with colleagues at work, meeting people fleetingly who we never see again. Making a real connection with another human is rare, despite there being billions of people on the planet.
Therefore, we value when someone takes the time to understand our little bubble, how we live our life, our eccentricities, our hopes and our desires, all without trying to impose their own thoughts, ideas and beliefs upon us.
It’s a special moment, and stands out in our minds because of its rarity.
The secret to creating a strong emotional connection with someone is to be interested in how they operate in the world. Stand in their shoes for a moment and look around.
Don’t treat a woman as just another date. You’re not just going through a series of moves in order to take her to bed. Techniques to do this are useful, but are only the first rung on the ladder to creating a solid relationship.
- Remember little details. A month ago she mentioned her mum was going into hospital for an operation. Bring it up and ask how her mum is doing. Remember big things which will affect her deeply (like her mum in hospital), but also the small, seemingly insignificant details. Imagine you told her on Monday you were going to the cinema on Saturday to see The Jungle Book. On Sunday morning, without any prompts from you, having not heard from her in several days, she messages you saying ‘Morning! How was the Jungle Book last night? Worth watching?’. The fact she remembered when and what you were going to see shows she cares about you and your life. That message makes you feel more special than if she never asked about it, or totally forgot.
- Get to know her hopes and fears. Be interested in her passions and what motivates her. What challenges is she facing in her life at the moment? If you don’t know, spend time finding out. The mere fact you are asking shows her you value her as a person and she is special to you.
- Learn about her close circle. Who is important in her life? Who are her best friends, and who in her family does she get on with the best? Build up a picture of her inner circle. Ask how they are and what they are up to.
4. Let her know you’re thinking of her
During the early phases of dating I recommend keeping texting to a minimum, and only to arrange logistics for dates (although it’s fine to have light chat before the first date to get to know each other a bit and prevent attraction levels dropping off).
Once you’ve had a few dates and slept with her a couple of times you can start to do small things to indicate you are thinking of her.
An example would be sending her a random message out of the blue, because you’ve seen something she might like/be interested in/find funny.
For example, she is training to run a marathon and you stumble upon an article listing 10 tips for a successful first marathon. You could send it to her saying ‘Have you seen this? Might be useful as part of your training regimen’.
In the early days of dating don’t make your ‘thinking of you’ type texts too mushy. Don’t tell her you love her. In the early phases of dating you still want to position yourself as a man in demand and a challenge. Telling her you love her too soon kills her desire to want to chase you, or her inquisitiveness about how your really feel about her.
Instead keep your ‘thinking of you’ texts playful and light.
Just had a burger and it reminded me of the time you dropped ketchup down yourself on our date. So adorable ;-p
Or be more sexual:
Smelt you on my pillow this morning even though you weren’t there. Reminded me of our fun times over the weekend 😉
As you progress with her you can start to become more romantic with your messages, and the method in which you deliver them. For example, dropping a note into her handbag or purse to be discovered during the day.
I once had a woman slip a message into my wallet in the morning. When I discovered it in the afternoon at work it made me feel loved. I was also amazed at her cunningness!
5. Show gratitude
Show her gratitude on a regular basis.
the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
Remember to thank her and tell her how much you value her when she does something for you. It could be something small like fetching you a drink from the kitchen, or something bigger like helping you find a new job.
Reward the effort she is putting in to making YOU feel special by thanking her.
How do you show gratitude?
- Leave her a note. Write her a thank you message and leave it somewhere she will find at a later date, such as the bed or kitchen table.
- Send her an email. Did she organise a fun date for the two of you on Friday night? Then send her an email on Sunday telling her what specifically you enjoyed about it, and how glad you are she is part of your life.
- Send flowers to her office. Again, I don’t advocate buying gifts early on in a relationship. However, if she has done you a massive favour then sending flowers to her office is always appreciated. The fact other women in the office can see someone has sent them to her makes her feel extra special.
- Say thank you!. Don’t forget the obvious. Tell her how much you enjoy what she is doing for you and what it means to you.
6. Use touch
Never underestimate the power of touch!
So simple, yet so effective. We all crave touch. It has many benefits and doesn’t cost a thing.
- Hold her. Sometimes a long hug is all it takes to feel her feel special. Hold her close often. Squeeze her tightly. Snuggle up to her in bed in the mornings, or during lazy weekend lie-ins.
- Hold her hand in public. A classic move which has stood the test of time. You don’t hold someone’s hand in public unless you are somewhat interested in them. Hand to hand contact feels great! But remember to do it in a present way. Be conscious you are holding her hand, and you are doing it because you want to, not because you feel you ought to. Your body language will give you away.
- Kiss her forehead or nose. Don’t keep your kisses confined to her lips. A light kiss on the forehead or nose is a caring and romantic gesture (despite what this girl thinks).
- Give her a pullback kiss. Absentmindedly give her an impromptu, light kiss on the lips, no tongue, for a second or two. End the kiss. She may look at you expecting more, but don’t give it to her just yet. Her heart will sink a little. As she begins to move away to continue doing what ever she was doing, take her hand, arm or waist and pull her back into you firmly, delivering her a proper, full-on kiss. Tingle alert!
- Chat after sex. I’ve already spoken about how to act post first sex. Many of the techniques in that article are appropriate and will make her feel special regardless of how long you have been dating. Take the time to have a conversation with her after sex. It’s a special and unique time. Oxytocin (the ‘cuddle hormone’) is flowing and we are more receptive to bonding.
Where guys go wrong
Reading the examples above might get you screaming at your computer screen in anger.
‘This is all so Beta!’
I agree the actions above are not what most people associate with Alpha behaviour. You can’t imagine the Bad Boy or Asshole Player doing these things.
But remember, you shouldn’t be trying to be a stereotypical Alpha when dating women. It’s far better to be a True Alpha. The guy who is able to attract women and is non-needy, but also knows how to show a sensitive, caring side when needed.
Also, showing her affection can come across as Alpha or Beta depending upon how you do it.
You are acting Beta if you are:
- Trying to ‘win’ her over. You should be doing these things because you want to and because it is kind, not because you are trying to make her more attracted to you.
- Doing things too often. Running her a bath every night because she asks you to is not making her special. That’s her taking advantage of you. Do things for her too often and she may become complacent and expect special treatment all the time.
- Doing things too early. Don’t leave a note in her handbag saying you love her after a second date. That’s creepy. Learn to gauge what level of making her feel special is appropriate to your current dating situation.
- Expecting something in return. Be gracious and don’t expect anything back from her. Just because you buy her a small gift or treat her to a meal, don’t expect her to return the favour. However, watch out for situations where you continually make her feel special and she NEVER reciprocates. If that is happening you are in a one-sided relationship, and are far more invested in her than she is in you. As a man you never want to be in this situation. It will result in her losing attraction for you (if she hasn’t already) and eventually relationship break down.
Making the girl you are dating feel special is part of a healthy relationship, and can often be done for no money, and without a huge amount of effort.
You shouldn’t be dating her if you don’t care about her. Demonstrating she is an important part of your life will make her feel special. And making her feel special will keep the relationship happy and healthy, so long as you are not doing it in order to manipulate, control or win her over.
This applies to whichever of the four types of relationship you are engaged with, and whether you are dating one or multiple womnen. Dating multiple women shouldn’t mean spreading yourself so thin you don’t have the time to make each of them feel special. It simply means you are multiplying the amount of tenderness, kindness and love you offer each of them. After all, there is no limit to those qualities.
In the same way, watch out for women taking advantage of your kindness. If she never makes you feel special you may not be in a healthy relationship.
Finally, use judgement as to when and how often to make her feel special. Don’t do it so often she becomes used to it, or too little she doesn’t recognise how much you appreciate her in your life.