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Judging someone on a date

Judgement is a Vibe Killer

Do you judge your date?

I believe NOT judging is the doorway to better dates and hotter sex.

Allow me to explain.

A hypothetical date scenario

Suppose you tell your date you eat meat. Her nose wrinkles and her previously happy expression turns into a frown. She’s a vegetarian and disapproves of your meat eating.

When you see these facial expressions, even before she has said anything, you know something is wrong.

Your begin questioning her about why she doesn’t like meat and how she is wrong because it is delicious. You both become defensive and agitated.

The topic is swiftly changed. But the conversation is now stifled. You’re both hesitant to talk about anything for fear of saying something else your date doesn’t like. You revert back to talking about safe, surface level topics such as the weather and the bar decorations. The energy and playfulness has gone, and the date fizzles out soon after.

Was it the fact you had different views about meat eating which killed this date?

Most likely not, as many vegetarians I’ve met are cool with you eating meat as long as you don’t make them.

The conversation killer

What killed the mood was your judgement of her.

I believe it is important to be able to hear someone else’s views without judging them, and without showing strong negative emotions if you don’t agree with them.

If you are judging someone for their views, or the things they are saying, then your follow up questions will be biased. They will be leading, inflammatory, and you’re entire body language will shift.

You’ve already made a decision in your head that you’re right and she is wrong. How is this conducive to open communication and playfulness? It’s the opposite. It’s oppressive and restrictive.

Connecting with another human being

On a date it is your mission to learn about the person sitting opposite (or next to) you, and to do so with compassion and empathy.

The current world is a lonely place. People are often lonely and desperate to make a human connection, to share themselves, and be seen and heard. For this to happen they must feel as though they can open up and share themselves.

Being judgemental is the fastest way to prevent this happening and make someone feel small and turned off.

Let’s talk about sex

Nowhere is lack of judgment more important than in the bedroom. The biggest sex tip I can give you has nothing to do with positions or finger technique.

It is to be skilled at getting another person to open up.

Because when you allow them to open up, they will tell you everything you need to know about pleasing them in bed. They will tell you exactly where to touch them. They will share their deepest, darkest fantasies. And together you will have more stimulating, exploratory and mind-blowing sex.

You will never get someone to open up if they fear your judegment.

A few years ago I met a woman who would not give me oral sex. I asked her about it, but she said she just wouldn’t.

After weeks of having sex, when she was more comfortable around me, I told her I was curious about it, and asked her again to tell me more.

I expected her to say she was worried about STIs, or didn’t like the taste, or the power dynamic make her feel uncomfortable. I was prepared for all of these reasons and whatever she said I would accept and move on.

What she actually said was that she didn’t want to give me a blowjob because she was worried she wouldn’t be very good at it, because she’d never given one before.

We talked it through openly, with me re-assuring her, and it soon became one of her favourite things to do in bed!

Imagine if I had judged her the first time she said she didn’t give blowjobs. If I’d made assumptions about her because of it, or tried to argue with her, trick her in to it, or made her feel bad about her decision not to.

She would have refused to see me again (rightly so). Instead, a non-judgemental attitude allowed us to have an adult conversation about her fears, and together we were able to work through them.

I see countless forum posts with titles like “My girlfriend/wife won’t do X in bed. What shall I do?”.

I always wonder what kind of atmosphere those men have cultivated in their relationships. Is it one of judgement, shame, guilt? Or is it one of compassion, empathy, openness?

Without the latter, there is no way to even start a discussion about wants and needs in bed.

Back to reality

Having a non-judgemental attitude will serve you well in all areas of your life. Being able to listen without having to jump in and share your views is a skill I wish was taught in schools. Maybe one day.

Here’s a suggestion to help you practise.

Go to a talk where you know you’ll disagree with the main premise (for example, if you are very scientific and don’t believe in psychic ability, go to a talk by a psychic). Are you able to sit there without saying a word, whilst remaining calm and relaxed? Or do you feel a gnawing sensation in your belly and become more and more agitated?

Politics is another touchy subject. Find someone with opposite political views to you and listen to their arguments for voting the way they do with giving your counterarguments or telling them they are wrong.

Practise the art of allowing someone to be who they are and you will excel on dates, I promise.

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