You’ve got the hots for someone in your friendship group, or someone at work, and have no idea if they like you back.
What to do…
First up, you must get into a conversation with her. Yes, you will sometimes notice approach invitation signals from her, but typically men suck at picking up on them.
If you haven’t already spoken to her, go and have a chat. Only then will you have some real feedback to determine if she likes you or not.
In this article I’ll look at a few things you should pay attention for in order to tell if a woman likes you.
- Body language
No single one of these areas will tell you if she is 100% attracted to you or not, but by looking for signs in each area you have a better chance of guessing correctly.
I’ve also attempted to add a scoring system, to help you determine where you stand. As you go through, add up your score.
An initiation is when one of you starts a conversation with the other. A key indicator of who has the power in the dating phase of a relationship is whoever initiates the least.
Women are the selectors. They give off subtle body language to signal availability in the hope of catching the attention of a man, but will rarely if ever approach directly.
It is up to the man to notice the invitation from the woman, and then approach.
By initiations I am referring to approaches, not how many times she gives off the approach invite signals.
As a man, you must accept it is your job to make the first approach. Unless the woman is incredibly attracted to you, she won’t. However, once you have made the first couple of approaches, she may become more responsive and feel more comfortable approaching you.
Who does the most approaching? (add to your score)
- She initiates more often than you. She is either being friendly or is attracted to you. 3 points.
- You both initiate equally. She is either being friendly or is attracted to you. 1 points.
- You initiate more than her. She is either shy, or not attracted to you. 0 points. If you haven’t noticed her flirting with other guys, or approaching other guys, give yourself 1 point.
2. Body language
The next indicator of interest can be uncovered by learning the art of reading body language. See my recommended reading list for in-depth books on this subject.
You should look for body language that displays the following:
- She is not threatened by you (feels comfortable in your presence)
- She is submitting to you by emphasising her femininity
- She wants to be more than friends
But HOW! I hear your ask.
Before I proceed, I want to state this is by no means a definitive list. This type of analysis can only really be done in real-life or by watching a video of two people interacting.
(This post on breaking the touch barrier on a date will give you some pictures that may help. I suggest your read that then come back here.)
What to look for (add to your score)
We each have an invisible bubble around us marking the edge of our intimate personal space. In the US and UK it is typically a radius of around 2 feet around us.
Anyone who encroaches into that space is treated as either a threat, or intimate friend.
When you are interested in someone, and have built rapport with them and flirted via conversational flirting, you should begin moving into their intimate zone, briefly at first to test the waters, then more frequently.
The more often she moves into your intimate space, the more likely she is romantically interested in you.
Add to your existing score based on which of the following is typically true when in a conversation with her.
- She remains over 1m away. She is in the social zone. She’s not a close friend and is not attracted to you. 0 points.
- She stands between 0.5m and 1m away. And she never moves any part of her body closer to you (for example, to touch you on the arm). She is standing in the friend zone and may be interested. 1 point.
- She stands less than 0.5m away. She’s attracted to you and most likely wants to be more than a friend. 3 points.
Is her body language open or closed. Open boy language indicates comfort, and that the person has nothing to hide. Closed body language indicates she is turned off by you, doesn’t like you, and can’t wait to get rid of you.
- Arms uncrossed and by her side. 3 points. This is a good open body language posture.
- One arm across body. 1 points. Not as open as the above, but she’s still interested. Many women adopt this pose because it covers their stomach, which they feel is not as flat as they’d like. It can also make them seem more childlike.
- Arms crossed when standing. 0 points. She’s thinking negative thoughts, or keeping things strictly professional.
Holding eye contact with someone either an intimidation tactic or means someone is attracted to you. If she frequently holds your gaze, particularly from across the room or when you are not talking to her, she likes you.
In a conversation with her, strong eye contact is also a good sign.
Pick one of more statements that is true below and add to your score.
- You often catch her looking at you from across the room, then looking down and away when you notice. 3 points.
- She holds eye contact for 3+ seconds when talking to you. Most people look away for 60% of the time when talking to someone. If she can’t seem to shift her gaze off you, its a good sign. 2 points.
- She stares at your eyes when you talk for 5 or more seconds at a time. Another good sign. 1 points.
- She looks at your for an average amount of time. She’s not giving you special attention, sorry! 0 points.
- Bonus points: She looks at your mouth frequently. A sign she is thinking about kissing you. 3 points.
Smiling and laughing
Obvious really. If she often smiles and laughs around you, even if it is a cute little nervous laugh, she’s digging you.
- She laughs even when you aren’t that funny. 3 points.
- She often laughs and smiles with you. 2 points.
- She occasionally laughs but smiles often. 1 point.
- You’ve never seen her smile. 0 points.
We touch others to build rapport, gain trust, or indicate we like them. The more she touches you, the most she likes you.
- She touches you multiple times in a conversation. 3 points.
- She has touched you, but rarely. 1 point.
- She hasn’t touched you at all. 0 points.
Most of what we ‘say’ is non-verbal. We communicate with our bodies. But there are some things to watch out for in a conversation which indicate she is interested in you.
- She gets sexual. If sex is mentioned, or she makes an innuendo, she feels comfortable with you and is attracted to you. 5 points.
- She leans in close to whisper in your ear. A dynamite move. She’s really in to you (assuming you aren’t having the conversation in a loud environment). 4 points.
- She banters/teases you. Although teasing is a very masculine way of flirting, women will do it back to you if they are skillful at flirting. It’s a good thing. 3 points.
- She’s comfortable enough to discuss private things. Once a woman becomes comfortable with you, she will open up and tell you about her life. If this happens, it means she trusts you and your rapport levels are high. 2 points.
- You only ever have surface level conversations. You only discuss stuff which isn’t very personal, and which she would be happy to share with a random stranger on the street. 0 points.
How well did you score?
Add up your scores. Remember that in some sections you can choose multiple answers.
The maximum score is 38.
- 30-38: What the hell are you waiting for! She wants you badly.
- 20-30: You’re in with a shot. Attraction is high and chances are she wants a date.
- 10-20: Hmm. Things are looking suspect. She might not be in to you. — 0-10: Sorry, dude. Either you’ve never spoken to her (go do it!) or you need to let her go.
The final word
As an attractive man it is your role to initiate and lead.
That means, even if you scored miserably on the questionnaire above, don’t fret. There’s hope for you yet.
If you are interested in her, you should not wait for her to raise a green flag and wave it in her face. She never will.
Instead, work on this principles. Unless she has given you are firm “No!” either verbally or via body language, you should ask her out on a date.
Yes she may reject you. Yes she may not be attracted to you. But so what. You will never get anywhere by living in fear.
Accept that life is uncertain, do the exercises to overcome this fear, and plough on regardless.