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Creating a spark when dating

How to Create a Spark Whilst Dating

I had a fun time but I just don’t feel a spark. Sorry.

Quite possibly the most infuriating message to receive after a first date. But don’t blame the woman or get angry with her. She just wasn’t feeling your vibe.

No my friend, it is you who has done something wrong and needs to change.

But first let’s investigate what this mythical ‘spark’ is.

What is the spark?

The spark is the tingly, giddy feeling she is supposed to feel on her way home after a date. It’s the excitement she feels bubbling up inside herself. It’s the joy she feels telling all her friends about this amazing guy she met the other night.

The spark is what differentiates you, a potential boyfriend and lover, from a friend. It’s the little bit extra that makes her consider you as a mate. It’s her wanting to rip your clothes off. It’s her day-dreaming about going out with you.

Why didn’t she feel a spark?

First up, this excuse is often used as a blanket term to let you down gently. It could be she wasn’t attracted to you because you looked nothing like your photos (ensure you always use recent photos when online dating, not ones from ten years ago when you were 2 stone lighter). Or it could be because you were duller than watching paint dry on a Friday night with your Grandma.

Assuming this wasn’t a blind date, and you didn’t make a complete tit of yourself, ‘no spark’ can be translated as ‘no attraction’.

She didn’t find you attractive enough to warrant another date.

I’m not talking about physical attraction. She saw your photos and agreed to meet, so she must have liked what she saw.

No spark means she may have found you interesting, and nice, and kind, and funny, but not attractive. She’s got friends for those other qualities. She’s looking for all of those things PLUS a bit extra – the thing that is going to make her think about you long after the date and waiting by the phone for you to message her.

How to create a spark

To create a spark on a first date, you need to achieve three objectives:

  1. Be charismatic
  2. Show an interest in her
  3. Display your sexual side

1. Be charismatic

Read this definition of charisma.

Charisma: compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others

Doesn’t that sound exactly like something you want to have? To be so attractive and charming she literally becomes devotes to you.

But Ed, I have no charisma!

Yes you do, it’s just hidden. You can learn to expose it.

  • Always be positive. Don’t talk about negative things or tell her how much you hate stuff. Talk about fun, upbeat, positive topics. She doesn’t want to hear about the illness you had as a child.
  • Dress well. Look the part. People assume many things about you based on how you look. You want her to assume positive things.
  • Show intelligence. Intelligence is sexy. Demonstrate your intelligence by talking about a subject you are knowledgeable in, such as a hobby. BUT, don’t drivel on and don’t drag. Keep anything you say short and to the point. Don’t try and impress her, just say your piece then shut up.
  • Be present. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The ability to live in the moment, and focus your attention on the present is so rare, that it holds great power. Being present will also help you hold frame if the date isn’t going so well.
  • Be friendly. Smile, have fun. You don’t have to act standoff-ish or aloof to become successful with women. Project a warm, friendly vibe. Create rapport by using open body language and use neutral tonality when talking.
  • Be mysterious. Allow your personality, hobbies, background to leak out slowly. There’s something very attractive about an air of mystery. Have you ever seen an attractive woman and been dying to find out what her life is like, what she enjoys doing, but haven’t been able to? Your brain goes into overdrive making up all sorts of weird and wonderful scenarios, most of which are way more interesting than her real life is. Give her the gift of this experience by not blurting out your entire life story in a single date. Let her find out about you over the coming weeks and months.

Want more? Read The 9 Habits of Insanely Likable and Charismatic People and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

2. Be curious about her

I’ve got a friend who is a master at this. She always makes me feel wonderful by being constantly curious about what is happening in my life. She asks me question after question, and makes me feel as though I am the most interesting person in the world (I’m not, but that’s the power of curiosity).

There’s a story about a woman who spent time talking to two great politicians at a dinner party. After speaking to the first man she came away feeling like he was the most interesting person in the world. After speaking to the second man she came away feeling as though SHE was the most interesting person in the world. Who do you think she would want to go on a date with?

When you focus your energy on being genuinely interesting in another person, something amazing happens. They open up like a flower. They tell you things they haven’t ever told anyone else. You make her feel special.

They may even say ‘I can’t believe I told you that’ or ‘I feel like I’ve done all the talking. I don’t know anything about you!’. If you hear variations of this by the end of a date you have done it right.

I advocate always directing the conversation back to her when you get a chance. If she asks you a question, go ahead and answer it, but always be looking for a way to shift the focus back to her. Imagine you are interviewing her for a job. She should be the one doing most of the talking, whilst you sit and listen.

The reasons for doing this are:

  • You are less likely to say something which kills your vibe
  • It shows humbleness. You aren’t eager to impress her or show off
  • It projects a relaxed vibe. You’re just sitting back chilling
  • It demonstrates you are interested in HER

Remember the point of dating. You want to know if she is right for you. Does she meet your criteria for a partner? How are you going to find out if you are talking the entire date and never ask about her life?

3. Display your sexual side

You can do much of the above, but if you fail to show your sexuality you are doomed.

Creating polarity between the masculine and feminine is the fastest way to create a spark. And the fastest way to create polarity is by highlighting the male-female sexual dynamic.

  • Touch her. Touch is powerful. It can send shivers of ecstasy down her spine when done well or completely repulse her if done badly. Start with light touches on her arm, then move on to her legs, hair and neck.
  • Talk about sex. Discussing sex emphatically plants a flag in the sand, declaring ‘I’m a man and I’m not afraid to show it’. It’s a bold move, but something I attribute a great deal of success to. If there is any way to ensure she puts you in the lover rather than friend category, talking about sex is it.

Displaying your sexual side can come across as creepy and should only be done if you and her have built strong rapport on the date. If you sense she is turned off by you, bringing up sex is going to send her running. But if you sense she is in to you, discussing sex is going to light a fire underneath her attraction for you.


The Spark is an attraction she feels that separates you from a friend. It is acknowledging a sexual chemistry between a man and woman, and leaves her curious to find out more about you.

If you constantly get women telling you they didn’t feel the spark, it’s you who needs to change.

Follow the advice above and you’ll rarely, if ever receive a message saying ‘Sorry, but I didn’t feel a spark’ again. Instead she’ll be messaging you to arrange another date.

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