You’re lying in bed panting, having just had hard, passionate, orgasmic sex for the first time with a new, beautiful women. She’s next to you, on her back, catching her breath, eyes closed in bliss.
You look over at her naked body and know you want to see her again another night. It’s time to engage in your best post-coitus etiquette to ensure the highest probabilities of it happening.
Treating her respectfully post-sex (even if you called her the dirtiest names and did the most disgusting things to her during the act) is essential to ensuring she will return for more skin-on-skin action.
Typically guys will:
- Kick her out within minutes of ejaculating, not giving her a chance to enjoy the after glow.
- Ignore her and go do something else. Just plain rude.
- Fall straight asleep. Easy to do since our bodies are flooded with chemicals post orgasm making us tired (it wakes women up).
These are all terrible, and doing them minimises your chances of ever seeing the girl again. Even if you only want a One Night Stand (something I don’t do often) and want her to leave your house, you should still avoid doing them, and follow the process outlined below.
What to do post sex
Stage 1: The cleanup (0-5 minutes after sex)
Immediately after sex, whilst she is relaxing, do the following:
- Remove the condom. (You are wearing one right? If not you’re an idiot.) Tell her you’ll be right back, giving her a soft kiss, and head to the bathroom. Wrap the condom in toilet roll and place into the bin (remember to empty the bin before the next girl comes over. Don’t rub the fact you are non-exclusive in her face or she will leave you. It’s not kind.)
- Take a piss if you can. It supposedly reduces risk of bladder infections.
- Wipe yourself with a flannel or jump in the shower. Some believe a hot shower after sex reduces the risk of catching STIs. Put the flannel in the laundry basket (if you haven’t got one, get one). Then return to the bedroom.
- Help her clean up. Tell her there’s a fresh towel and flannel on the rail if she wants a shower (you should have set this up prior to the date beginning). If you share a house with other people, keep a spare towel in a drawer and get it for her. Don’t share towels, it increases risk of STI transmission. At this point she will usually get up to pee and/or clean herself up. Some girls will take up your offer of a shower, some won’t. Afterwards they will head back to the bedroom and usually put on an item of clothing, like their underwear. Whilst this is happening you should remain relaxed in bed.
- Offer her some water. If you’ve sexed her right you are probably both in need of some rehydrating (or if you’ve been drinking alcohol on the date). Tell her you are getting some water and ask if she wants some. Then go get it and bring it back to her.
So far I’ve assumed you are having sex at your house (I always try and schedule the first sex date at mine) and in your bed. If you are at hers then you’ll need to adapt the process as you see fit.
Stage 2: The post sex bubble (5-30 minutes after sex)
After the clean up phase, get back into bed with her. Pull her close and make her feel comfortable.
To cuddle or not to cuddle (a grey area)
Many dating experts will tell you not to cuddle your woman post sex because it:
- Increases oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is a hormone which has been shown to increase trust and reduce fear, as well as helping to ‘pair bond’ you with another person. Personally, I am comfortable with both of these things happening. She’s more likely to return to your bed if she trusts and feels amazing around you. If you have many women in your life already then there is little danger of you getting attached due to your abundance mentality. If this is the first time you’ve slept with a girl then perhaps avoid cuddling because you are the one who’ll get attached.
- It is boyfriend type behaviour. Yes, girlfriends and boyfriends cuddle. And if you are trying to set up a Fuck Buddy type situation, cuddling after sex might give the girl the wrong impression, i.e. that you are serious about her and want an exclusive relationship. My counter argument is this. Throughout all your interactions with her up until this point you have subcommunicated you have lots of women in your life, you are experienced with them, and you are not looking for an exclusive relationship. If you have done this correctly, a few moments of cuddling are not going to blow your chances of a non-exclusive relationship. I would argue that showing a flash of the more sensitive side to your personality communicates to her you are NOT a “player” or “asshole” or a “nice guy”. You have both provider and lover qualities about you.
For those reasons, I do often cuddle post-sex.
- It feels amazing and I enjoy it.
- I enjoy caring for the women I sleep with and seeing them relax.
- I’m not going for one night stands, so it doesn’t matter if the Oxytocin starts flowing. I want her to experience that feeling so she is more likely to see me for second sex.
Try both and discover which you prefer. I can see both sides of the big cuddle debate. I believe your personality and vibe should dictate which side you choose.
Massage her head
Lie on your back, her on her side with her head on your shoulder or chest. From this position, the hand that is under her can reach her bum, back, sides, arm and head. Your arm furthest from her can relax at your side, or reach across your body and stroke her shoulder, face or head.
With the arm that is under her, reach up and begin stroking and massaging the back of her head.
- Start at the base of her skull and knead in medium pressure strokes.
- From there work your way up her skull to the top using the tips of all five of your fingers to massage.
- Every now and again trace your fingers down her neck, stopping at her earlobe and gently tugging (softly!).
- Run your hands through her hair from forehead to the tips.
- Stroke her eyebrows. This sounds odd but actually feels great! Try it on yourself or get a friend to do it to you. Start at the end of the eyebrow closest to the nose and stroke outwards (in the direction the hair grows). You will probably only be able to do one eyebrow because of the way you are lying.
- To keep a sexy, bad boy vibe, every now and then reach across with your other arm and grab her bum playfully, squeezing it with a medium pressure then releasing. Remember, you are still a sexual guy.
Whilst doing all of this, continuously monitor how she is responding.
- Watch her breath. You’ll be able to feel her chest and see her side rising and falling from the position you are in. If she is enjoying it and starting to relax you’ll see her rate of breathing slow. You might also be able to feel her breath on your skin.
- Feel her heartbeat. With her so close you may be able to make out the beat of her heart. Notice if it is speeding up or slowing down (by the way, I often listen for this prior to sex when we are cuddling fully clothed in bed. As I trace her body I notice areas that make her heartbeat speed up and concentrate there. It’s turning her on.)
- Watch her eyes. You may just be able to make out her eyes. If they are closed she is enjoying it. Sometimes she may look up and gaze at you, or kiss your neck before returning to her original position.
- Increased nuzzling. She will pull you closer, hold you tighter or nuzzle her head deeper into your chest and shoulder.
- Mirroring. She may begin running her hand over your body. From her position she can stroke your your entire body, including leg, genitals, stomach, chest, neck and head.
If you see her grimace or feel her pull away then either stop what you are doing, or ease up on the pressure.
Whilst you are gently stroking her, you can do nothing and just enjoy the silence, or engage in other bubble activites such as:
- Small talk. Laugh, chat with her. Don’t chat about the sex (unless she wants to). Instead return to a topic you were talking about earlier in the date, or ask her some more questions about her life.
- Put on a TV show. If the night is still young, you’re awake enough, and you have a TV in your bedroom, turn it on and find something you want to watch. Don’t ask her what she wants to watch. Just pick something and put it on. Chances are you won’t be watching it properly anyway.
What not to do in the bubble
- Don’t ask her to rate you or how it felt for her.
- Don’t ask her where you see the relationship going.
- Don’t comment on her performance or her body.
- Don’t ask her if she wants to have sex again another time.
- Don’t jump on your phone and start message other girls. In fact, don’t go on your phone at all. You attention should be on the woman lying next to you.
- Don’t turn away from her, blank her, or any other rude behaviour.
Use your common sense.
Stage 3: Staying or Going (30+ minutes after sex)
You and her are both now relaxed, and have cooled off after sex. The final part of the process is handling the “Do you want me to stay or go?” question. Even if she doesn’t verbalise it, she will be thinking it.
Firstly, YOU need to make a decision as to whether you are comfortable with her staying the night. As with cuddling, some seduction coaches would argue letting her stay the night sets a dangerous precedent, and makes it feel more like an exclusive type arrangement. I’m not convinced.
Personally I love it and want to all the women I sleep with to stay over the first time I have sex with them because:
- I only have sex with people I can imagine spending the night with.
- I believe there’s a higher chance of seeing the women again if you let her spend the night.
- There’s the opportunity for round two in the morning.
- There’s something amazing about waking up with a new women you’ve ravaged for the first time.
(The second and subsequent times I have sex I may act differently. By that stage I know more about the women’s personality and quirks and have decided if I want to be dating them, or just have sex with them).
My advice is to let her decide what she wants to do, and only ask her to leave if you have a specific reason too, such as needing to be up early the next day (but then why did you organise a date on that night), or simply don’t like women staying at yours.
Scenario 1: You want her to go
If you don’t want her to stay, then please don’t kick her out straight away. Follow the advice above and let her relax for a while. You should want to see her again, and treating her mean at this point is not going to help.
After time spent in the post sex bubble, state your intentions:
- “Hey, I’m really tired and need to get some sleep”
Simply don’t offer her the option of staying. Done right, your phrasing and body language will communicate you want her to leave, without having to spell it out.
She will normally ask “Do you want me to go?”. Say “If that’s OK. I tend to sleep better on my own”. That’s all there is too it. Let her get dressed and say goodbye.
If she doesn’t pick up on your subtle hint it’s time to be more overt.
- “Would you mind if we didn’t spend the night together? I tend to sleep better on my own and have a big day tomorrow”
She may looking annoyed or unhappy, but should respect your decision. Remember, HOW you deliver the line has a MASSIVE impact. Do it in a kind, caring and loving way. After she’s had time to respond, give her a kiss to show you care about her.
After she gets dressed, follow the process outlined in scenario 2a.
Scenario 2: You want her to stay…
This is relatively easy. Just say “Sleep here tonight” or “You’re welcome to spend the night” and smile. She will either want to stay or go.
a) …but she wants to go
Some women will make it clear they want to go. Let her. Don’t try and convince her otherwise UNLESS you think she is going because she doesn’t know how YOU feel about her staying, or thinks you are only offering in order to be polite.
She may want to go because:
- She has work the next day. A very common occurrence. She can’t turn up to work in the same clothes she wore the day before (people would notice and know she had sex, not something she wants the office to know). Even if she wants to stay, she has to go home.
- She’s awkward. I have had situations where her period hasn’t ended and it made rather a mess of the sheets and she was embarrassed. As much as I told her it was fine she was a little mortified and wanted to leave.
In any of these situations, just act relaxed. Let her tell you she has to go and why, then say “cool”. Either remain on the bed or, if she’s the shy type, head to another room telling her you’ll give her some space to get dressed.
Ask her if she knows how to get home. Chances are it’s later in the night now, and I want to know she’s safe. If she’s not sure, open Google Maps and show her where she is, and offer some advice on where to go. Living in London, I’ll often tell her to give me her postcode then use CityMapper to help her find the best route home.
- I don’t call her a taxi. On a weeknight I have sex with girls before midnight and there is always public transport running. On a weekend, she doesn’t have work and has chosen to leave rather than stay with me, and so she can make her own way home. But I do live in a big city. If you live in the middle of nowhere then I would offer to drive her home (I don’t own a car) or call a taxi for her.
- I don’t walk her to the bus stop. Again this depends where you live. If you worry for her safety then walk with her. But in London, in the area I live, women are happy to head home by themselves. Plus I can’t really be arsed to get dressed and head back outside, especially if I have work in the morning.
Walk her to your front door, give her a kiss and wish her well:
- “See you later”.
At the door:
- Don’t start gushing about how much you enjoyed her company
- Don’t thank her for coming over
- Don’t arrange the next date
- Don’t tell her to call or text you
- Don’t tell her you will call or text you
You want her to wonder if this was a one time thing or she will get to see you again. If you’ve done everything right she will be the one messaging you the next day (and sometimes the same night to let you know she’s got home safely).
b) …and she wants to stay
If she wants to stay, awesome. This is my preferred option. Because it is the first time she has slept with you (and probably wasn’t expect to) she won’t have packed any spare clothes or pyjamas.
Offer her a t-shirt. After sex she may be more hesitant about you seeing her naked. Many women have body confidence issues. Ask if she would like a t-shirt to wear in bed. If she says yes, get out one of your old, comfy ones you sleep in. The larger the better so it covers her, makes her feel secure, and keeps her warm. She may refuse, in which case enjoy the sight of the naked women you’re going to wake up to in the morning.
Offer her a toothbrush. Keep a new, spare toothbrush in the bathroom at all times. Tell her she can brush her teeth with it. Re-assure her it hasn’t been used. If she agrees, show her where it is.
Offer her makeup remover. She’s just been on a date and is therefore all but guaranteed to be wearing makeup. Keep some face wipes in your bathroom and offer them to her. She may say no, not wanting you to see her without makeup. That’s fine.
Some of you may be thinking this is Beta behaviour. You’d be wrong. This is you showing her that you care about her as a human being (because you should) and are not a complete asshole. Yes women love assholes, but they love real men (who are strong, confident, busy with their life purpose, but also have some provider qualities) more.
This is thoughtful and kind behaviour.
Showing this side of yourself is a refreshing break from the dominant, playful behaviour you’ve been exhibiting on the date and in bed. When a women sees you have this range of qualities she is far more likely to come back for more.
She won’t immediately lump you in the Boyfriend or Provider category because you’ve done a couple of small things for her.
It’s all comes down to your attitude. Don’t say “Please can I get you a toothbrush? You were so amazing just now and I want to do whatever you want to make you feel comfortable”. That IS beta. Say “If you need a toothbrush or makeup remover let me know. There’s some in the bathroom. I’ll show you where it is”.
What if she asks why you have all this stuff for women?
You’ve hit the jackpot. Even if she doesn’t ask, by having makeup remover in your flat, especially if you live alone or in an all male household, you are non-verbally saying:
- I am a socially savvy man and have been around enough women to understand what products they need
- I have these things because I am used to women staying over
- You are not the only women in my life
NEVER say this out loud. Deflect the question, or make something up:
- “My sister sometimes stays”. Only use this if you have a sister.
- “My friends were getting ready for a night out and left all this stuff here”
- Say nothing. Just smile and carry on.
- Say nothing, smile and pull her in for a kiss.
- Give a cocky answer, “I dunno. Must have been those 12 strippers I had over the other night who left it here”. Only do this if it fits your personality type. I could get away with saying this with particular types of girl. If she is the shy or sensitive type, don’t go this route. The best result is the girl swatting me on the arm and call me a dick, with a massive grin on her face, before passionately kissing me.
Improvise. Do whatever feels right in the moment. Just don’t directly verbalise it’s because you are sleeping with other women.
Stage 4: The morning after
You’ve survived the night (although you probably didn’t sleep that well due to that persistent boner of yours). You wake up. What next?
Simple. Remain cool and relaxed. You MUST still convey the impression that you are USED to having beautiful women in your bed and this is no big deal. Fake it until you make it.
If you’re awake and she isn’t you can:
- cuddle up to her
- play on your phone
- get up and move to another room.
- start getting ready for work. If you need to leave soon be sure to wake her and let her know this.
If she’s awake you can:
- have more sex
- kiss and cuddle
- start getting ready for work
- continue your conversation
Typically I won’t offer to make her breakfast or go buy any for her (save that for when you are dating her properly). Whilst I am comfortable allowing her to stay over, I believe it is important you get her leaving soon after you wake up to demonstrate you aren’t clingy or needy, and have other stuff going on in your life. I usually tell her I have things to do so she gets the hint and doesn’t stay long.
If you let her stay over, AND spend all day with her, that IS giving her the impression of a boyfriend, and she won’t take it too well when you tell her you she isn’t the only women you’re sleeping with.
When it is time for her to go, follow the process outlined in scenario 2a.
How you act immediately after you first have sex with a new women has a MASSIVE impact on how she views you, and how likely she it to return for another round (something that I want 95% of the time).
Don’t worry too much about coming across as a Beta by cuddling or letting her stay, providing you do it in an authentic and Alpha way, as described above.
Above all, make sure she feels safe and comfortable so she doesn’t get Buyer’s Remorse and regret sleeping with you so quickly (I tend to have sex on the second date).
Go forth and take the world by storm, my friend.