I’ve made so many mistakes with women I was attracted to in the past due to hesitation at key moments during an interaction.
On several occasions I’m convinced I would have ended up having sex that very day with them if I hadn’t screwed things up royally due to nice guy mentality and fear.
You might find yourself hesitating when you:
- see a girl you like and want to go and talk to her
- you haven’t chosen a first date venue and can’t decide where to go
- when you’ve been chatting to a friend of a friend at a party and want to go in for the kiss
- want to ask a women you’ve been chatting to online on a date
- when you think she’s in to you but you can’t be certain
- when she’s definitely in to you but you don’t know what to do about it
What causes hesitation?
Hesitation when dating or interacting with women is common. It still happens to me, although much less that it used to. It happens for several reasons:
- Being in a new situation. You’re in a situation or environment that is unfamiliar. You haven’t experienced it before and don’t know how to act. To avoid this, try and plan dates in bars you have been to several times so you feel comfortable.
- Women not acting how you expect. Sometimes women throw curveballs at you! No matter how good your planning is, a left-field question, remark or action can put you on edge, screw up your plans, and interrupt your rhythm.
- Being more successful than you expected. It can happen! Some dates you’ll be shocked at just how well they are going, and how into you the girl seems. You might get flustered, panic or not have planned for things to go so well, leading to hesitation. For example, what would you do if the women you are with on a first date leaned over and whispered in your ear “I want to do you in the bathroom right now”? No doubt you’ll experience tremendous excitement, followed by panic and sheer terror, performance anxiety, and be frozen to your seat thinking “Holy shit this is happening. What the hell do I do now!?”.
Dealing with hesitation
Whilst there are no cures for being hesitant in all situations, there are techniques you can use to minimise the number of times it happens to you.
- Develop a True Alpha mindset. A great deal of the time I found myself hesitating because I was scared. Scared of doing what I wanted to do, scared of how the girl might react, scared of being rejected. You must learn to overcome this and act from your place of authenticity, whatever that might be. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, make decisive actions, and lead. Yes you might piss some people off, but your success with women will explode.
- Learn the basics. Understand how to behave on dates, what turns women on, what your story is, what your goals are, and how to handle common situations and objections you’ll hear. This site will help you do that.
- Plan your dates. Make sure you know where you are meeting her and where you are going to take her. Have a backup plan if the bar is shut. Decide how long the date is going to be and what you are going to do if it goes really well. Are you going to invite her back to yours, and if so, how? Make sure you’ve got the essentials planned out. And please don’t forget her name (it can happen, especially once you get to the level of dating multiple women at once)!
- Know you don’t always have to make the right move. Seduction experts see male-female relationships as one big game of chess, and I’m no exception. But it doesn’t mean there’s a correct move to make in all situations. There are plenty of moves that will get you closer to your goal (be that sex or a relationship), and you just have to make one of them. Sometimes you’re better off doing SOMETHING than trying and failing to come up with the optimal action.
- Accept you will get it wrong. Sometimes you will make completely the wrong move and lose the girl. Don’t beat yourself up. Learn from it, and praise yourself for ACTING instead of sitting there and not doing anything (like I did in the story below). Failing is a part of life and a valuable teaching experience, as long as you don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over.
True Story: The restaurant girl
I cringe whenever I think about this moment in my life, and how much of an lame-ass, beta guy I was. But for the sake of your learning (and entertainment), allow me to present the entire story in as much gory detail as I can bear.
When I was 23 I was invited to a female friend’s birthday meal at a local Italian restaurant. I didn’t have any romantic feelings towards her, but she had plenty of good looking single friends. I was a virgin, having never even kissed a girl. Despite being OK conversationally, my interactions would never lead anywhere, and I would be friend-zoned regularly.
I was sat one chair in from the end of a long table. Next to me, at the end of a table sat a cute blonde girl I hadn’t met before. Sat opposite her was another guy I half knew.
Because we all knew the birthday girl, and were in the same social circle, it was easy to strike up a conversation. I chatted equally to the girl and the guy, and we quickly fell into the easy conversational style which just flows. We laughed, joked, talked about a few serious topics too. Overall the mood was playful. It was a happy occasion after all.
Gaining her interest
As the meal progressed, and I shifted more of my attention to her, I noticed something odd. She seemed interested in me! She was paying me lots of attention, laughing at my shit jokes, and listening more carefully to me talk than the guy opposite.
I knew these were all positive signs, and my heart started beating that little bit faster. Was this the night I was finally going to get a kiss…perhaps more?
I wasn’t doing anything in particular to attract this girl. I was just being myself, talking openly, and not taking myself seriously. Clearly it was having an effect (or maybe she was just super horny that day and I happened to be the only guy siting next to her, who knows).
By the time dessert arrived she had turned 90 degrees in her seat and was facing the side of my chair, her feet resting on the lower cross beams of my seat.
I hadn’t touched her once through lack of social knowledge and courage, but was intuitive enough to know that facing me directly was a pretty big indication she was interested.
She also complimented me on the black shirt I was wearing. I felt amazing as girls rarely complimented me on anything, but that night I had made a special effort to put on a shirt rather than the t-shirts I normally wore.
Things were all looking positive. I’d never had this much interest…EVER.
Had all of this happened now, I would have been touching her thighs like crazy at this point (all very subtly mind you. Doing so overtly in front of her friends is going to turn her off). Due to the poor logistics (being hemmed in against the wall, and there being a group of 12 of us) it would have been awkward and rude to drag her to another venue. The correct move would have been to get her phone number, then escalate when we left the restaurant. Alternatively, wait until she went to the bathroom, then get up and go too, ‘accidentally’ bumping in to her on the way out and going for the kiss.
Back then I didn’t know any of this. I didn’t ask for her phone number, and I hadn’t touched her. All I knew was that she was in to me, I wanted her, and my chances of losing my virginity were climbing by the minute.
I was completely out of my comfort zone, with no idea how to proceed, despite knowing she was interested!
During the course of the meal I managed to spill my glass of water. The water flowed onto the table and a large portion of it ended up in my lap, soaking my crotch. I had good inner frame back then so this didn’t bother me one bit. I laughed it off, and the girl helpfully passed me several napkins to dry myself with.
The drive home
A couple of hours later the birthday girl suggested drinks back at her house and we all made for the restaurant exit. I had borrowed my parents’ car to drive there, so offered a lift to a few people.
The girl I’d been chatting to jumped into the front passenger seat, and three others piled into the back. On the way, some of the passengers wanted to get cigarettes, so I pulled into a service station and the three in the back got out, leaving me and my target girl alone (despite one of her friends asking if she was coming with them).
She immediately turned to me and asked if my trousers had dried yet. As she did, she leaned across and placed her hand on my inner thigh to check. I was so shocked my hands froze to the steering wheel, and I sat there, and murmured a lame “Yes, thanks”.
That move right there (or lack of) sealed my fate.
You see, it is normally up to the guy to make a move on a girl. So if you are lucky enough to have a girl making a move on you, and she doesn’t get positive feedback, she’s going to think “He’s not in to me” and feel rejected.
It’s the same situation as talking to a girl in a bar who is giving you one word answers, looking around, and not responding to your touches. You move on because she is giving you rejection signals.
I was giving strong rejection signals to this girl even though I wanted to sleep with her because I had never been in this situation before, and simply didn’t know how to respond.
A few minutes later the others returned and we drove off to the house party. I needed to leave so dropped them off (what an idiot. I may have recovered it if I stayed) and returned home alone.
What I should have done
If I found myself in this situation today, here’s what I would have done. As soon as she leaned over to touch me, I would have teased her and instigated a sexual, chasing frame.
- Her: “Has your leg dried off?”
- Me: “Hey, cheeky. You don’t really care about my wellbeing. You just want to feel my thigh muscles, don’t you? I know your game!”
Then simply lean in and kiss her. A single line like that turns the conversation sexual, acknowledges to her that I am interested, and cheekily establishes that I am the prize and she is chasing me, and I know it.
From there, I would have either gone to the house party and dragged her into another room to make out, or asked her if she wanted to come to mine for a drink.
Once I had her alone, I would escalate physically to first sex.
Why hesitating cost me the girl
I was too scared to make a move on this girl, even though she was giving me strong signals. She gave me a couple of hours to push the interaction forwards towards sex and I didn’t. As a result, she only saw me as a friend from that point on.
The next time I met with her and the group of friends met up she got off with another guy, who she is now married to!
Most girls won’t give you strong indications they are interested in you. So even if you aren’t getting any, it should be your job as the man to push the interaction forwards and lead her towards sex. If she hesitates, back off and try again later (and if she give you a definitive “NO!” then stop entirely and move on).
In the past I missed out on sex and relationships because I was too scared to move quickly, or hesitated in the heat of the moment because I didn’t know what to do. If this happens to you, don’t beat yourself up. Just make sure you learn from your mistakes so you know what to do the next time it happens.
And if you find yourself in a situation where a women is making advances on YOU, you MUST return her touches and flirt with her to keep the interaction alive. Otherwise she will feel rejected and move on to someone who does respond.