Want to build your sexual confidence? Want to blow her mind and give her earth shattering orgasms? Want to make sure she remembers you for years?
You’ve come to the right place.
I’m going to share some of my secrets to dominating her mentally and physically in the bedroom that will have her proclaiming you as the best lover she’s ever had.
This article is about taking your sexual performance to the next level. If you project a confident, suave and experienced man to women on dates, you need to deliver in the bedroom. The tips in this post will help you do that.
This is not basic sex advice.
Don’t expect to use these tips if you’re a virgin. This is aimed at the guys who get laid but want to up their game.
You should already be:
- completely comfortable naked and in bed with a women
- able to satisfy her orally
- able to control your ejaculation so you don’t come too quickly
- in good physical shape
- excellent at using your fingers to hit her G and Deep spot (the Anterior Fornix)
- having intercourse in positions other than missionary
Once you’ve got those basics covered, you can start working on becoming more dominant, skills which will take you from average to ‘OH…MY…GOD!’ levels.
Amazing for you and your date. Terrible for your neighbours’ sleep.
What is dominating?
Using a word like dominating conjures up images of dungeons, black leather, and instruments of torture masquerading as sex furniture and toys.
That’s the extreme end of domination, a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship where one partner is in control and submits willingly to the will of the other.
But there are levels. At the lighter end of the domination spectrum exist things you probably do already. Pushing her against a wall to passionately kiss her. Taking her hand and leading her to the bedroom. These are displays of dominance.
Being sexually dominant can take any of these forms. It’s not necessarily the act that is dominant, but the way in which it is carried out.
To show dominance you must:
- Be confident in your abilities (you’ll acquire this with experience)
- Take the lead
- Be in control of the situation
- Focus on her pleasure as well as yours.
Dominance is not solely about getting what you want. It is a dance between two people where you are allowing her to free her mind of thoughts, in order for her to open up sexually and experience something she would not have otherwise.
Have you ever struggled at a restaurant to choose a meal because there is too much choice? And yet when your work orders pizza for the office you’re happy to grab a slice of what ever is on offer.
A trite analogy agreed, but there is something about not having to make a decision that unburdens the mind.
Being dominant also highlights key differences between you (the man) and her (the woman). It demonstrates your strength, and therefore your ability to protect her when she’s vulnerable. And it highlights how delicate, feminine and beautiful she is to you. Why else would you be so overcome by your desire for her that you have to pin her down and ravish her?
Why is being dominant important?
Being dominant in the bedroom is an essential skill because:
- Lots of woman long to act submissively in the bedroom and want a guy to take control
- Orgasms for woman are mental. Learn how to dominate mentally and she’s likely to experience more of them
- She is likely to come back. If she is dating you just for the sex, you have to do it well
- It makes you stand out from other guys she has dated
- You can’t play the Lover role without being good in bed
After several successful dates, a terrible performance in bed is going to lose you the girl. Mediocre dates but a superhuman performance in bed is going to change her mind about you, or open up casual relationship options.
Communication and trust
Some of the techniques I describe here are not suitable for the first time you have sex with her.
For example, NEVER slap a woman in the face if you have not discussed it and she has given consent. Many of the items listed requires her to trust you. After a few dates it is unlikely this level of trust has been built (although there are exceptions).
That said, many women do enjoy a SMALL amount of domination. I suggest you try out a few of the more acceptable items in the list below and see her reaction. Afterwards you should talk to her, find out what she enjoyed, and what she would like to do more of.
Be respectful of her feedback.
Once again, I emphasise not ALL women enjoy being dominated by their man, but in my experience most do to some extent. Some are mildly submissive, some are very submissive and will have had experience of it before.
Agree on a safe word if you are going to get extremely rough. The word ‘Emergency’ is a good one.
Some of the practises mentioned in this post can cause serious injury. I take no responsibility for anything you do because you read it here.
With the disclaimer out of the way, it’s time to get down to the detail.
How to dominate physically
You are bigger and stronger than she is because you’re a man. She wants you to be this way because it makes her feel safe. You can protect her when she’s in trouble.
Show her this strength in the bedroom.
1. Fuck, don’t make love
Penetrative sex should be hard and fast most of the time. This isn’t the time to make the kind of sweet passionate love you see in the movies. You want your neighbours awoken by the rhythmic slapping of your balls against her ass.
2. Last a long time
If you can’t last 30 minutes without ejaculating you need to train yourself.
- Buy a Fleshlight and work on delaying your orgasm. The Stamina Training Unit is specifically designed to be tighter and more stimulating than the average vagina. If you can last in this thing, you’ll last with a real woman.
- Buy desensitising gel or condoms, such as Durex Extended Pleasure condoms. They have Benzocaine in the tip that desensitise your penis.
- Clench your PC muscle when you think you’re going to explode.
- Switch to a less intense position
- Think about your mum.
Whatever it takes to last longer, do it. The average duration of intercourse is about 4 minutes. To stand out in her mind as a good lover you need to exceed that by a long way.
3. Change pace
Don’t jack-hammer her continuously, despite what I said about sex always needing to be hard and fast. Change tempo to keep her guessing what is coming next.
- Tempo 1: Slow in and out
- Tempo 2: Slow out, fast in
- Tempo 3: Fast out, fast in
- Tempo 4: Stay in and grind
- Tempo 5: Tease with the tip of your penis
Play with it.
BUT, if she is enjoying your rhythm and you sense she may be close to orgasm, do NOT change tempo!
For example, you’re using fast in and out in doggy position and her moans indicate she is close to climaxing. Don’t suddenly change things up (unless she has already come and you want to use orgasm denial as a technique, something best left to a future article).
4. Change position
Some positions are naturally more dominant than others. The best positions for rough sex are:
- Doggy (rear entry). A firm favourite and by far the most dominant. There’s something extremely animalistic about seeing a women on all fours waiting for you. Doggy also provides a wide range of other dominant actions you can perform simultaneously, like pulling her hair, stroking her clit, teasing her asshole and fondling her breasts. Try both kneeling and standing variations and decide what you prefer. Sometimes height differences make one or other preferable.
(Image credit: By Seedfeeder – Own work by uploader. All original non-derivative., CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=9038331)
- Legs on shoulders (the Anvil). She’s on her back, and you’re on top. Her legs are pointing towards the ceiling, ankles either side of your head. Your arms rest on her outer thighs and hands hold her waist tight. You are perched on your knees, which are bent and positioned either side of her buttocks to provide a good thrusting angle. Takes a bit of hip flexibility but you can see her and she can see you entering her which is hot. The further back you tip her legs, the deeper you will penetrate.
- Spooning. Spooning is usually associate with cuddling or sleeping. Not this type. You are big spoon lying on your side with her in front of you. Enter her from behind, one hand around her stomach to hold her in position, the other hand under her and grabbing her breasts or neck. From this angle you can pound her fairly hard.
- Flat on top. Get into doggy then have her lie flat on the bed. Transition your knees to the outside of her legs, and have her straighten her legs and close them, providing more friction for you. This position is hot for her because she feels her full weight of your body on top of her, and she can’t get away. You can also reach under her with one hand to massage her breasts or clitoris as you penetrate her. For those feeling more adventurous, you can hold her by the neck, pull her head back by her hair, or press her face into the pillows.
5. Pick her up
I can’t tell you how many times women have gone giddy simply because I am able to lift them during sex. Like many techniques in this article, it comes back to demonstrating polarity between the masculine and the feminine.
You are displaying your strength, which in an everyday situation could be used to protect her from harm and keep her safe. That’s the primal need you are tapping in to.
From a missionary position have her wrap her legs around you. Lean back and lift her so she is sitting facing you, whilst you kneel. Her body will be completely off the bed, you supporting her entire weight.
With her on top of you riding cowgirl, edge towards the edge of the bed until you are sitting with your feet on the floor, her still on top of you. Have her wrap her legs around your waist, then stand up. You should still be inside her at this point.
Once you are standing, you have a couple of options. First, push her up against the nearest wall and continue to penetrate her. Second, spin around so you are facing the bed and lean forwards, dropping her lightly onto her back.
If you want an advanced technique, try this. Have her lie on her back, legs bent, feet on the edge of the bed. You are kneeling on the floor going down on her.
Stand up and place her legs over your shoulders, then reach under her back to support it with both hands. Have her perform a sit up. As she does, straighten your back, hinging at the hips (as though doing a deadlift) until you are standing fully upright.
The momentum will propel her upwards, leaving her sitting on your shoulders, facing the opposite way to you, her vagina in your face. She can place her hands on the ceiling for support whilst you continue licking her. When done, reverse the movement, throwing her back onto the bed.
Then take a look at the amazement in her face. I can guarantee no guy has ever done this to her before.
This requires strength on your part, so get down to the gym and do squats and deadlifts. And don’t try this with larger girls or you’ll put your back out.
Scoop her up from a standing position so you are carrying her in your arms. Carry her to the bedroom then toss her onto the bed. You can do this when she is clothed to get her in the mood.
6. Throw her around
Similar to picking her up. As mentioned you can throw her back onto the bed from any number of positions. But you can also manhandle her without picking her up.
- From cowgirl position, push her to the side and roll on top of her.
- From doggy position, put all your weight on her to push her flat onto the bed, transitioning to the Flat on Top position.
- From spoon position, roll over, lift her onto you and into reverse cowgirl.
- Stand at the end of the bed kissing, then push her backwards onto the bed.
- Put your arm around her waist and drag her to where you want her to be.
- If she isn’t in a position you want, or you are changing position, grab her feet, hips, or arms to re-position her.
7. Push her up against a wall
Already mentioned above, but worth mentioning again. My favourite times to do this are:
- Walking home from a night out hand in hand. Suddenly, as you are passing a wall, push her up against it roughly and kiss her passionately. The surprise transition from romantic to rough will get her in the mood for when you get home.
- As she is leaving. Before she exits through your front door, push her up against it and kiss her. Let one hand move down between her legs and rub her crotch through her skirt or trousers. An alternative is to put your hand behind her and squeeze her bum. After 10 seconds pull away, give her a light spank on the ass and send her on her way. She’ll be horny and thinking about you for the rest of the day.
- During standing sex. We’ve covered this one. She is facing you, her legs wrapped around you. Push her against the wall and continue fucking.
- To admire her body. This is incredible dominant. Have her face the wall and place her hands on it above her head, as though you were about to frisk her. Tell her to widen her stance and roughly move her ankles apart with your foot. From this position you can do as you please. Pull her head back by the hair and kiss her neck, or grab her throat as your hand roams over her body. Squeeze her breasts. Un-do her jeans button and slide your hand into her pants, massaging her clitoris. If she’s wearing a skirt you can hitch it up and enter her.
8. Pin her down
The feeling of not being able to get away (as long as she trusts you) is highly arousing.
- Pick a position where your weight holds her down. Flat on Top (mentioned above) is a perfect example. Your entire body weight is pinning her down and provided you have been hitting the gym, there’s no way she can escape.
- Hold her wrists above her head. Use the pushing her against the wall technique, her facing you, and then grab both of her wrists with one hand, pinning them against the wall above her head. Roam her body with your other hand.
- Hold her wrists when fucking her. Most positions can be made more exciting by grabbing her wrists. During missionary, hold her down by the wrists as you thrust hard. During doggy, grab one or both wrists and twist them behind her back to restrain her. If you hold both wrists she will be forced face down onto the bed. Be careful with this one as there is serious risk of dislocating her shoulder.
- Tie her wrists together with rope. The rope can then be attached to the headboard or left free.
- Tie her to the bed with cuffs. You can purchase a set of under the bed restraints on Amazon which will let you tie her down in a starfish position by the ankles and wrists. Once she’s in this position you can tease her with your cock, tongue or toys such as a Magic Wand vibrator.
9. Spank her
A classic dominant move. Different women like different strengths of spanking, from light that barely tickle, to hard slaps that leave bruises. If you haven’t discussed it with her start light and gauge her reaction.
Why do women love being spanked? Who knows.
Perhaps it’s because it reminds them of being told off by someone who cares about their well-being. They are being corrected for having done something wrong, for their own benefit. It’s also playful and reminds them who’s the boss, and that as a man you are stronger and more physical than they are.
I asked one woman what she liked about it. She said:
It’s playful but dominating. It’s about feeling a guy’s physical strength. It can be quite cheeky, but also erotic if touching down there is involved. It’s an outlet to misbehave. It’s taboo. I just like a brute who’ll kiss my head afterwards.
Whatever the reason, most women I’ve come across get off on it, so add it to your repertoire.
Make sure you aim for the meat of the buttock and use a slightly cupped hand.
Here’s a handy graphic showing areas to spank (Image credit: https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/8697894-breaking-down-a-spanking).
Some ways of spanking her:
- Upright from behind. Stand behind her with her stood upright. Put one arm around her waist, chest or neck to hold her in position, your body close to hers. Then spank her with your other hand.
- Doggy position. The position normally thought of when spanking is mentioned. You can either spank her whilst penetrating her from behind, or simply get her into doggy position on the bed/floor and stand to the side of her.
- Over the knee. A slight variation on doggy. You sit on a chair or sofa and have her drape herself over you.
10. Pull her hair
Grab her hair at the base of the neck and pull. Not so hard you yank it out, but hard enough to move her head. Don’t pull individual strands. Bunch up as much of her hair as you can into a ponytail and pull that. The pressure will be spread around her scalp making it less painful.
You can pull her hair:
- During doggy.
- When you are in front of her, kissing.
- When she is on her knees in front of you. Pull her head back then lean down and whisper something dirty in her ear.
- Standing upright behind her, or with both of you kneeling on the bed with upright torsos. Pulling her head back exposes her neck for kissing. A tender kiss on her neck combined with hard hair pulling is a juxtaposition of senses sure to drive her crazy.
- When she is on top of you riding cowgirl.
11. Squeeze her nipples
Some women’s nipples seem to be linked directly to her clitoris, and playing with them will cause her to feel sensations between her legs.
- Cup her breasts. When standing behind her reach inside her shirt with one hand and gently massage one of her breasts. Squeeze it firmly for a second and release. As you get to know her body you’ll know how firmly she enjoys it.
- Pull her nipples. Having cupped a breast, move your fingers towards her nipple and gently tug, lightly at first. The more turned on she is, the harder you will be able to pull.
- Twist her nipples. A slight twist can also be highly erotic. Again, some women will love it whilst others will feel pain. Read the ‘Awareness’ section of this article carefully.
- Suck her nipples. If you know her nipples are highly sensual areas for her, but can tolerate pain, you can suck hard. It’s not a good idea to use teeth, but a hard sucking motion, where the entire breast is literally being pulled upwards by the force of your sucking works well.
All of these actions can be performed during intercourse to heighten her climax or send her over the edge quicker.
12. Grab her throat
This is one best left until you know what her limits are. Be extremely careful holding her around the neck. You can easily do damage and leave bruises.
- Beginners. Hold her lightly with your thumb on one side and fingers on the other side of her neck. Use the lightest of pressure. Best to do this when everything else is relatively calm (ie you’re not pounding her, which will make it difficult to tell if you are hurting her or she is enjoying it), such as when kissing her or standing behind her and lightly kissing her neck.
Intermediate. An alternative to holding the delicate neck area is to put pressure on the upper chest, around the clavicles. This is less dangerous, but she will still get the feeling of being held securely. Again, you can stand behind her and place one arm across her chest, or use two hands to press down on the area when you are on top of her.
Experts. After you’ve done the beginner and intermediate stuff, talk to her. Get her feedback. Did she like it or not? Ask her how the pressure was, and if she wants more. If she indicates she wants to be gripped more firmly, and gives you permission to do so, you can be rougher, and hold her throat in a tighter grip. At the extreme end of the scale she may enjoy the sensation of being choked and not being able to breathe. I urge extreme caution if this is the case, and would be hesitant to do it even if a partner wanted it. It is easy to get lost in the moment and injure her. If you do want to go for it, double check you have her total consent, and monitor her continuously during the act.
As this is the most dangerous item in this article, I’m going to link to a couple of other articles who offer additional advice, and highlight the risks of choking and erotic asphyxiation.
13. Bring out the toys
I often read stories about men feeling intimidated by women bringing a vibrator or other toys into the bedroom.
Seriously guys, if a piece of plastic manufactured in China threatens your ego then you’ve got serious problems.
Incorporating toys into your routine is extremely dominant. It shows her you are confident in your sexual ability, and aren’t afraid to experiment. Plus, there are some things which simply can’t be done without toys.
- Make her wear a butt plug in public. If she is into anal play and likes to be dominated, then having her wear a plug (such as this steel butt plug) out can be a lot of fun. It’s taboo, naughty and unless she’s very kinky is unlikely to have ever done this before.
- Make her wear a remote control vibrator in public. As with the plug, tell her to put in the vibrator (such as a Lelo Tiani 3, pictured below) and wear it when you go out for a meal. You hold the remote and can wirelessly control how strong the vibrations she feels are. Watch her squirm and attempt to hold back her orgasm.
- Use a vibrator on her when tied up. With her wrists, and/or ankles shackled to the bed, you can go to town on her with a vibrator. Either purchase a Magic Wand style vibrator (like this Deluxe Lumunu Magic Wand Vibrator, pictured below) to massage her clitoris or a traditional vibrator which you can insert. Either way you’ll drive her wild.
Use a toy to provide extra stimulation during intercourse. The more adventurous women out there will enjoy double penetration, with you filling one hole and a toy or plug filling the another.
Use a paddle or flogger to spank her. A hard slap with the palm of your hand is often enough, but having a specific toy for the purpose takes things to a new level.
There are so many more toys you can use. Take a look at LoveHoney.co.uk for inspiration.
How to dominate mentally
For women to climax they need to experience things which turn them on, but also NOT experience things which turn them off. I believe a women’s ability to orgasm is very much a reflection of her mental thoughts around sex.
Does she believe she deserves to come? Has she been raised to see sex as a bad thing? Is she worried about how her body looks naked?
Despite you using all of the techniques above, and her being turned on, she still won’t be able to climax if her mind is telling her she shouldn’t.
In some cases, you will be able to overcome this by ensuring she is relaxed and she trusts you. But that’s about as far as you can go.
You won’t be able to make every woman orgasm, but if you are batting above an 80% success rate you’re doing well. If you are in a relationship with a woman and she is still not achieving orgasm, and you know your mental care and techniques generally work on other women, you have two options.
- Don’t make it a big thing unless she brings it up (and certainly don’t let it dent your ego)
- Lovingly suggest she read ‘Come as you are’ by Emily Nagoski.
With that taken care of, let’s dive into some techniques you can use to get her turned on simply using your voice.
1. Do, don’t ask
Before and after sex, you can ask her what she likes and what she wants to do more of. DURING sex YOU are in charge and she follows your lead.
Desire is created because of the polarity between masculine and feminine. In the bedroom the man must be the one calling the shots, not looking to the woman for advice or suggestion.
Don’t continually ask ‘What position shall we try next?’, ‘Do you mind if I get behind you?’, etc. That is not leading.
You can lead AND ensure you she is getting maximum pleasure from the experience at the same time.
Think of a captain sailing a ship. His job is to provide the passengers with a pleasurable journey, and get them to their destination safely. But he doesn’t let them tell him what course to set. The passengers can still enjoy themselves without being the ones at the helm.
Constantly worry if she is enjoying it, or asking her if she is enjoying it is a mood kill. Read the ‘Awareness’ section of this article and learn to SENSE her mental state of arousal without asking her.
2. Focus your attention on her
Keep all your attention on pleasuring her, especially if it is the first couple of times you two are having sex. You must learn her body, and ensure she is being sexually satisfied.
Being dominant is about having control, sure, but the desire for control should come from a place of wanting both of you to enjoy the sex as much as possible, not because you want to get as much pleasure from it and don’t really care about her.
3. Instruct her
Command. Use your voice and let her what you want to do for you.
Again, this isn’t all about you. This isn’t necessarily ‘Get on your knees and suck my cock’, although that line normally works wonders.
It may be you instructing her to tell her if she wants you to rub her harder or softer. It may be you telling her to lie on her back so you can pleasure her orally.
By leading her she is submitting to you so she doesn’t have to make decisions. Decisions require mental effort. And she doesn’t want mental effort. She wants to let go. The more things she has to think about the less likely she is to come.
Do her a favour and take control, lead her, and stop asking her to make decisions.
4. Talk dirty to her
Ah, good old dirty talk.
There’s nothing hotter than seeing your woman melt with desire as you tell her all the bad things you are going to do to her.
When you start talking dirty for the first time it will feel unnatural. You’ll wonder if she is OK with you talking this way. You’ll run out of things to say, or use words which are entirely unsexy.
But over time you’ll get better, and soon she’ll be begging for you to talk dirty to her every time you have sex.
Here are some ideas to get you going.
- Call her degrading names. Call her your slut or whore. Check with her first how she feels about being called these names. Some women vehemently hate these words and saying them will be an instant mood kill. Others love to be called a little slut as you pound them hard. Only use these words when having sex, never use them outside the bedroom.
- Tell her how much she excites you. Tell her how hard she makes you and how much you love fucking her. Tell her you love her body.
- Tell her you think about her when she’s not there. When you are sitting at your desk working. When you shouldn’t be. When you play with yourself.
- Tell her all the disgusting things you want to do to her. Describe how you want to use her body for your pleasure. Tell her she belongs to you. Tell her she only exists to serve you sexually. Tell her all the ways you are going to fuck her. Describe what you are about to do to her then do it.
Try talking dirty to her over text throughout the day when you know you are meeting in the evening.
The most important aspect of sex is awareness, something most men never take the time to learn.
You must at all times be monitoring how she is feeling and if she is enjoying the sex. Learn to ‘listen’ for clues she gives her in her body language or vocally that indicate she is enjoying something. Then keep doing that.
Signs indicating she’s enjoying it
- A sharp intake of breath
- An increase in heart beat
- An increase in breathing rate
- Pushing her body towards you during intercourse
- Grinding herself into you whilst you are going down on her
- Involuntary copulatory vocalisation (Moaning, gasping, shouting, screaming)
- Eyes closed and head tilted back
- Talking dirty back to you
- Words or short phrases showing affirmations such as ‘Yes!’, ‘God!’, ‘Fuck!’, ‘Shit!’, ‘Keep going!’, ‘Don’t stop!’ etc.
Examples of awareness
- She pushes hard back onto you during doggy. Interpretation: She’s enjoying it and wants you to thrust harder.
- She’s quiet when you are sucking her nipples, but gasps when you increase the suction to a medium pressure. Interpretation: She prefers her nipples sucked harder rather than lightly.
- She keeps glancing over at the mirror in your room. Interpretation: She wants to watch. Put her in a position where she can see you fucking her clearly in the mirror. (Doggy is perfect).
- You run your finger over her asshole whilst licking her clit and her breathing quickens. Interpretation: She enjoys it, keep going. She may be into anal play.
You MUST be focussed on giving the woman satisfaction and UNCOVERING the subtle movements that cause her even greater pleasure.
It might be the difference between a few millimetres, or a 6 and 6.5 on the firmness scale. Most guys will MISS these little cues because
- a) they only care about pleasuring themselves, which is idiotic because the woman will most likely never come back
- b) they have not developed a finely tuned antenna to detect subtle changes in her.
Being dominated can be emotionally and physically exhausting for a woman. As much as she enjoys it, afterwards she may experience feelings of guilt, shame, or remorse for having enjoyed it so much.
Therefore, it is essential you return to your caring, kind and supportive persona after the action is over.
- Check she is ok
- Cuddle her, stroking her gently
- Let her relax. Don’t jump into conversation straight away. She may need 5 minutes or want to snooze
- Kiss her gently
- Fetch her some water
- Ask her if she would change anything next time, or if there is anything that was too much
There you have it. My tips on how to dominate her mentally and physically in the bedroom in order to give her sex she won’t forgot in a long time.
I will state two things once again because they are incredible important:
- All of these techniques are only as dominant as you make them. You can’t be a complete wimp who lacks confidence outside the bedroom and expect to pull this off with any real conviction. She’ll just laugh at you. Likewise, if you are already a confident, sexy, caring man outside of the bedroom, the power of these techniques is going to be heightened.
- Consent, consent, consent! These tips are not so you can go out and prey on women, making them do whatever you want. Sex is about both parties enjoying themselves. As the one in charge, you will soon discover you have a huge responsibility to make sure she is enjoying herself, and also ensure no injuries happen. Don’t try the more rougher moves unless you have discussed it with her and have her permissions.
You don’t have to have dominant sex every time you see her. You can engage in ‘love-making’ once in a while. But 95% of the time you should be incorporating SOME elements of dominance into your sessions in order to keep her coming back for more.