I started dating in my mid twenties, having struggled to get anyone to go on a date with me for the previous 8 years. I didn’t know how to make women attracted to me when I was in a bar or club, so was ecstatic when online dating websites appeared in the mid 2000s.
But back then I was so wrapped up with my own mental conflicts about relationships and women that I ended up ruining my chances of success often. And even when I did get a girlfriend, something didn’t feel quite right.
Nice Guy mental conflicts whilst dating
1. Guilt & Jealousy
One of the first women I met was from Match.com in 2006. We hit it off immediately on the first date. Several hours of chatting and cocktails later we ended up back at hers. We had sex and I stayed the night. We saw each other 2 days later for another date and another sex session.
Meanwhile, I met another two women online, who I had first dates with and ended up kissing.
My nice guy brain was telling me I was acting like a total Man Whore and I felt extremely guilting going on dates with these other women whilst sleeping with someone (even though it had only been a couple of weeks).
Not only that, but because the main girl was the most attractive, and the dates with the other women weren’t going anywhere fast, I began fearing what would happen if she suddenly lost interest in me and left. I also wondered what she was up to when I wasn’t around, and how many other men she was dating and sleeping with.
2. Let’s make it exclusive
Despite her not being my ideal type physically, I didn’t want to risk losing out on the regular sex we were having, as well as the fun dates. She seemed to be as in to me as I was her, and for the first time in my life someone was actively pursuing me.
After about a month of this (still not having slept with the other women) I decided enough was enough and had “The Exclusivity Talk” with her.
- “Are you dating anyone else? I think we should be exclusive.”
And that was it. We became boyfriend and girlfriend for that moment forwards for just under two years.
3. There is only one type of relationship
Back then I believed that there was only one type of relationship that you could be in with a girl to have sex with her: boyfriend and girlfriend. I knew people had one night stands and casual sex, but my nice guy brain always told me that women didn’t really like this kind of deal, and had been coerced into it against their will by assholes and players.
I didn’t want to hurt women, and certainly wasn’t a Bad Boy. Although a casual relationship with multiple women sounded fantastic, I had no idea how to go about achieving it. Instead, I would often start relationships and then become fearful I would lose her, and therefore ask her to commit to me in an exclusive relationship. Sometimes it worked out wonderfully, other times, looking back on it, I see that I should not have been in the relationship to begin with, but the fear of being alone drove me to pursue it.
4. Shame of own desires
In exclusive relationships I’ve always felt the desire to look at other women and wonder what it would be like to sleep with them. I hated myself for it feeling this way and wondered if it was normal.
Was it just because I hadn’t found the right woman, or would I always feel like this? It’s a question I still wonder about. Despite not knowing the answer I accept and no longer feel ashamed of wanting this. I accept it is who I am right now, even if it may change in the future.
The Nice Guy vs The True Alpha
If any of the above rings true for you, then you have some work to do. To be successful at having multiple, beautiful women in your life who you date non-exclusively you need to adopt more of the True Alpha beliefs and discard the Beta thoughts that are holding you back.
Otherwise, even if you are successful with women, your fears and nice guy protection system will kick in and attempt to tell you what an evil person you are and why you should stop immediately.
How a nice guy feels when dating multiple women
- He is worried about hurting women
- He is worried about what women will think
- He feels guilty because it feels like he is cheating on them
- He worries they will find out and hate him
- He believes women have to be ‘tricked’ into have sex with him
- He is worried what society will think about his non-exclusive relationships
How a True Alpha feels when dating multiple women
- He knows he takes good care of all his women
- He acknowledges that he has qualities to offer women, and it isn’t just her providing value to him
- He knows women love sex as much as he does
- He is not ashamed of his desires to sleep with or date multiple women
- He is comfortable enough with himself to not worry what society thinks of what he’s doing
- He doesn’t feel the need to brag about how many women he is seeing
- He understands women want non-monogamous relationships too
I’m not saying go full asshole, just learn when to utilise your nice guy traits and when you need to lock that shit up.
What’s funny is that looking back on it, I was stupid to assume women only want sex in committed, exclusive relationships. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Some only want sex in a committed, exclusive relationship, and some don’t, just as men do and don’t.
When I had this realisation it totally blew my mind. My first two girlfriends admitted they had fuck buddies prior to dating me. One even admitted to sleeping with a male friend of hers who was married, and his wife was totally cool with it.
My nice guy brain almost exploded!
All this time I had gone through life trying to get just ONE woman to sleep with me, and believing the best chance of that happening was to make them my girlfriend and stop dating other people. And yet here I was, listening to women willingly talking about fucking guys when they were between relationships, before adding “But I’m so glad I found a nice guy to settle down with like you”.
Yeah, that stung! That is the equivalent of saying “I really like hanging out with this exciting, masculine dominant tiger who makes me scared, excited and horny all at once, but I’ve had enough of that and now want a Puppy I can train and make do what I want. It’s not as exciting but it makes me feel secure.”
Why are you so nice?
As humans we just want to be loved. You are being overly nice because you think it will get you more love, more quickly. You are seeking to get attention and love from people by sucking up to them. You are scared to show your true, powerful, masculine nature to anyone in case they judge you and hate you for it, thus taking away the love you crave.
You need to get over that and learn to stop relying on the love of others too heavily.
Nice guy behaviours have protected you from being hurt and shamed by society. They have served you OK up to now, but if you want to proceed and live the life of abundance you HAVE to successfully integrate your nice guy behaviours with the more powerful, masculine traits which you have, but can’t necessarily access when around women.
Being nice is an EXCELLENT strategy when you’re a baby or small child. It keeps your parents loving you and makes sure you are constantly fed and cared for.
But you are no longer a child. You are not looking for a replacement mother. You are looking for a women who you can converse with on equal terms, who makes you laugh and you make her laugh, who enjoys spend time with you, and who you can ravage in the bedroom.
Being nice will NOT get you there. The nice guy mentality will:
- stop you getting what you want.
- stop you being congruent in your actions, sabotaging your efforts.
- make you feel guilty for having Alpha desires. Women will pick up on this at it will ruin your chances of a great non-monogamous relationship.
Killing the Nice Guy
In order to integrate the True Alpha traits into your life, you need to dial back the Nice Guy a little. Don’t discard him completely. Those qualities have served you well and it is always important to keep a perspective on things to avoid turning into a total dick.
To minimise the nice guy attributes, you should:
Know what you REALLY want. Don’t start a non-monogamous relationship because you think it’s in vogue or your mate is doing it. Take 30 minutes to yourself and imagine what your ideal relationship would look like. Forget about whether it is right or wrong. Forget about what your parents would think. Forget about whether you don’t think it is possible. It might be with a single, exclusive partner for the rest of your life. Perfect. It might be (as this website promotes) having 2 or 3 beautiful women in your life who you are intimate with. Excellent. It could be to have sex with a different stripper for 30 days straight. Fine. All that matters is YOU know what you want.
Accept what you want is OK. Once you know what type of relationships with women you want to build, you must accept it. It’s OK to want what you want. Despite what your friends say. Despite what your parents say. Despite what some of the girls you meet will say. Make peace with it. Get comfortable with it. Try it on mentally like a new suit. Feels good doesn’t it?
Acknowledge your existing beliefs are there to protect you. Thank yourself for trying to protect you, then tell your brain you no longer need its help in this area. You’ve been brought up to believe that the only form of relationship that is valid is the traditional one man, one woman version. Doing anything else goes against the mainstream. Of course you will be a little apprehensive when starting out.
Understand it takes time. You cannot go from being a nice guy to a True Alpha overnight. You can mimic some of the traits of an True Alpha quickly, but it may take you months or even years of practise to see consistent results. Once you know what you are trying to achieve, keep that vision in your mind at all times, through your successes and your failures.
Get reading. I recommend picking up both When I Say No I feel Guilty and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Both are excellent and can be read in a day each. I own both and regularly skim back through them when my Beta nature starts to rear its unwanted head.
You might be wanting to start a non-exclusive relationship with a women, but are worried it is somehow ‘wrong’. Understand that you are feeling this because of how you were raised, your current ability with women, and the pressure from society to conform.
If dating non-monogamously is something you want, you need to accept the fact. Not doing so will only cause you to end up in relationships that aren’t fulfilling, and you’ll end up hurting the woman you are with.