You’re on a second date with a woman you’re ridiculously attracted to. It’s going well, the conversation is flowing and you can tell she’s in to you.
Then she casually mentions her friend Pete. She talks about how they went to dinner last week, and another time they both got so drunk he had to take her home.
Your mind starts doing backflips.
- Is there something going on between them?
- How do I compare to him?
- Has she slept with him?
- I wonder if I’m as cool as him.
- Is she comparing us?
- Is it her ex-boyfriend maybe?
As your brain loops through an infinite sequence of negative thoughts and mental images you begin to sweat. You heart beats a bit faster in your chest and you can’t focus on the conversation. You’re no longer listening to your date, but instead nodding politely as you mind attempts to figure out if Pete is competition and you’re going to lose the beautiful woman sitting in front of you to him.
To date women successfully you HAVE to learn to stop doing this, and control your jealousy.
It’s not easy. It happens to all of us. But if you are in your head, harbouring negative feelings towards her, they WILL manifest themselves in the way you speak and act, and ultimately drive her way.
What is jealousy
Jealousy is feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages. It can also be defined (more appropriately in the context of dating women) as being fiercely protective of one’s rights or possessions.
You get jealous because you believe on some level the woman belongs to you or owes you her time and attention, and you are fearful of losing her.
Jealousy tends to rear its ugly head when:
- She mentions an ex
- She mentions she had a great date with someone else
- She talks about how good her ex was in bed
- You see her chatting animatedly to someone on the phone
- You’re lying in bed and she keeps looking at her phone
- Her phone bleeps and you notice it is from a guy
- She mentions outright she is dating another guy
I remember a time when I had been actively pursuing a women for months without so much as a kiss. She invited me to a bar for a catch up chat, and we talked animatedly for an hour or two.
As I stood up to leave, another guy showed up who she had planned to meet after me. The two of us looked at each other as we both tried to size up if she was romantically interested in the other.
Why being jealous ruins your dating chances
The more women you are going on dates with, the more likely you are to encounter the situations listed above, potential resulting in jealousy.
You are more likely to experience jealousy if you have come from a place of having no success with women to having a little bit. When you first realise you can make a woman attracted to you, it’s a real rush. You feel like the king of the world. And you don’t want that feeling to end. Your mind will play all sorts of tricks on you at the slightest hint you are losing her. One of those tricks is to make you overly jealous.
You must learn the art of controlling these feelings.
It’s OK to wonder if she is dating other men and what she gets up to with them, but only briefly. As soon as it changes the way you act towards her, then it’s a problem.
- It’s needy and insecure. Acting jealous will make you do dumb shit. It’ll make you send stupid, ‘check-up’ texts to her such as “Hey you. Did you meet up with your friend Pete last night? What did you get up to?”. She knows you’re asking because you want to get information on what her relationship is with him. Or at the other extreme, it’ll make you crazy, constantly checking up on her, looking through her phone, or secretly following her (The only time this MIGHT be considered acceptable is if you are in a long-term monogamous relationship and have strong suspicions she is cheating on you. Even then, there’s probably a better way to go about this, such as talking. It’s a LAST resort, folks, and since I’m not advocating monogamous relationships on this blog, you should NEVER be doing any of this).
- It’s bad for your health. Feeling jealous will trigger a stress response in your body and may even keep you awake at night as you wonder what she’s doing and with who. As soon as you are allowing her to control your thoughts you’ve already lost.
- It’s a sign you’re too invested. You should be aiming to foster a situation where the woman is more invested in you than you in her. She should be chasing you and wondering who else YOU are dating, not the other way around. Feeling jealous will only serve to make you MORE invested in her, and keep her in your head at all times. You’d think it would put you off her, knowing there’s a possibility she’s seeing someone else, but it has the totally opposite effect.
- It’ll remind her of a bad experience. Most girls tend to have an ex or guy they were dating they’d rather forget. The guy who called them 10 times a day and they had to change their phone number to escape, or the weird guy who wanted to hang out with them all day, every day. Acting jealous is a sure-fire way to get her associating the negative memories she had for the last guy with you, and set off alarm bells in her head.
- A True Alpha knows he can get other women. Imagine you’ve just bought the latest iPhone outright, costing you over £600. You’ve got it in a shiny new protective case. You don’t let it out of your sight for more than a few minutes. Now imagine a friend asks to borrow it to make a quick call. This friend is known for losing things and doesn’t take care of his possessions. There’s no way you are letting him borrow it. Now imagine you are the CEO of Apple. There are hundreds of iPhones scattered around your office, and you can get your hands on a new one in a matter of minutes. The same friend asks to borrow it. Although doubtful it’ll come back in one piece, you willingly hand it over for the sake of your friendship. When interacting with women you must adopt the second mindset, that of Abundance Mentality.
By becoming jealous, you are doing exactly what you don’t want to do. You are pushing her away, and right in to the arms of the non-needy guy who doesn’t care who she’s going on dates with.
How to deal with being jealous
I’d love to tell you there’s a way to never be jealous again, but I’d be lying. No matter how good you get with women, you will still always feel the odd pang now and again.
But, you should use the techniques below to reduce the frequency and severeness of your jealousy to a level that doesn’t affect your performance on dates or in relationships.
- Work on your issues. You may be harbouring resentment towards women because of how they have treated you in the past. This is especially true if you have not had much success with women, been rejected, or cheated on. In a bar you see how easily girls can pick up guys, and loathe them for it. Accept this and move on. If it makes you feel any better, remind yourself that women ultimately want a guy to settle down with who will provide them with security, not to have one night stands with. Yes they can easily get sex, but it isn’t completely fulfilling to them, just like your desire to sleep with multiple women isn’t being fulfilled.
- Learn to control your ego. As a first step, simply notice when you feel jealous. Learn to accept that it is just a feeling, and like a cloud in the sky it will soon drift away. You don’t have to react to it in that moment. I found listening to Echkart Tolle audiobooks is a huge help to calm my mind and make me less reactive.
- She’s dating YOU. Accept she probably will be interested in other guys (just as you are interested in other girls), but it’s you she has chosen to spend the day, night or hour with in that moment. Learn to enjoy the moments she is with you, instead of worrying what she is doing when she isn’t.
- Sleep on it. Tempted to send a text or call her up to quiz her? Sleep on it. Wait 24 hours and see if you still feel the same way. Chances are those strong emotions will have dissipated and you’ll have deeper clarity on the right way to approach the situation.
- Accept you can’t control her. Imagine if she asked you to stop listening to your favourite music. Are you going to do it? Unlikely. More than likely you’ll feel resentful and either blatantly listen to it in front of her to wind her up, or listen to it secretly when she’s not around. When you get jealous of her and other men, and she feels it, you are forcing her to decide between these two options. Neither are good for your relationship. She is not your possession. Don’t treat her like one. The harder you try to control the women you are dating, the more likely they will resist and pull away.
- Date multiple women. As you gain experienced with women and have more of them in your life, the risk of experiencing jealousy decreases massively. It’s actually quite difficult to feel jealous when you are dating five or more women. You simply don’t have time to worry about what four of them are doing because you’re having such an amazing time with the fifth! You have abundance and aren’t fearful of one flying the nest because she can be replaced.
- Learn to be fair. I advocate dating multiple women at the same time. Most guys seem to want to do this. However, if you do, it’s only fair you allow women to date multiple men. It’s not fair to want the classic harem setup, where you can sleep with as many girls as you want, whilst the women are not allowed to be dating or sleeping with anyone else.
As you interact with more women you will be given multiple opportunities to feel jealous. As a guy who isn’t used to having women in your life, these feelings can throw you off your game, and lose you the women who were completely into you until you exposed her to these negative, possessive traits.
Whilst you will never be completely free from jealously, you must take steps to reduce the intensity of the negative feelings, and deal with them effectively. As you become more successful and are dating multiple women, your jealousy levels will drop naturally. Until then, keep it under wraps as best you can.