Have you ever met someone for the first time whose easy manner, charisma and charm won you over?
You felt like you’d known them years and felt comfortable talking to them. You both enjoyed each other’s company.
You were in rapport.
Being able to build rapport with a woman when you’re on a date is critical.
What is rapport?
Rapport is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.
Doesn’t that sound exactly like the thing you should have with a woman on your date?
Why is rapport important?
Being in rapport with someone is essential in your business and personal life.
It makes people like you and want to hang around you. If a woman senses you have good rapport, and you are able to turn her on, she is likely to go away from a date thinking there was a real spark between you two.
Rapport helps create a closeness, and can accelerate the feeling of connectedness you feel with another person.
Being in rapport feels good and helps us relax. And when you are relaxed you are more likely to enjoy yourself. Not only will it help you be more confident on dates, but she will be more attracted to you.
How to create rapid rapport
Rapport can be built in seconds or over years. The kind of rapport you have with your best friend cannot be manufactured on a first date, but you can use techniques to generate a good amount of rapport rapidly.
Creating rapport is a skill that can be learned, just as any other. The more you practise the better your will become.
1. Be relaxed, aware and in control of your emotions
You must have mastered the ability to control your emotions, as well as having a heighten sense of empathy and awareness.
- Notice how people are feeling as they talk to you. Only when you sense their mood will you understand the effect you have, and how you need to change in order to transition them into a new state
- Be present. Learn to overcome social anxiety and fear of talking to people using meditation and breathing techniques.
- Practise conversation techniques. Become unfiltered so you are confident you can hold a conversation, leaving you able to focus your awareness on them, rather than being in your head worrying.
- Be aware. You must be aware of how the other person is reacting to you, including their voice tone, words used, and body language. This will allow you to sense how in rapport they are with you, and what you need to change to increase or decrease it.
2. Open up your body language
Closed body language signals fear, uncomfortableness and unease. When you cross your arms and legs, and hunch over, you are making yourself smaller. Some believe we did this to protect our vital organs from predators.
When we are relaxed, our body language is open. We expose our chest (chest up, uncrossed arms) and groin (open legs in seated position).
You should use this knowledge in two ways:
- Use open body language yourself. Take up space in your chair, lean back, uncross your legs and arms, and don’t make too many movements. This projects a confident vibe to her (and women like confident men).
- Continually monitor her body language. Make a mental note of whether her body language is open or closed. Often I’ll notice a woman starts the date with closed body language because she is nervous. Over the course of the date, as we get to know each other, her body language opens up. By the end of the date you want her body twisted around to face you, her arms wide open and her to be in your physical space (sitting right next to you). Forget about the open legs part, women will generally keep their legs crossed if wearing a dress or skirt. These are all signs you are having a positive effect on her and rapport is building. If you notice she is closing off her body language, its a sign you are doing something wrong and she’s not that in to you.
3. Use touch
A light touch on the arm is a fast way to build rapport. Us humans love non-needy, non-creepy contact. It makes us feel special and appreciated. It tells us the person we are with is comfortable enough to encroach on our personal space.
And who is allowed into our personal space?
That’s right. Friends, family and lovers, all of who we have excellent rapport with. So by touching her you are short circuiting her brain into thinking you are familiar to one another and building rapport rapidly.
- Start softly. At the start of the date I recommend sticking to touches that would be appropriate in the office with a male or female colleague. Touch on the forearms and elbows.
- Increase touch intimacy as rapport builds. As the night progresses and more rapport is being generated you will find she welcomes touches that are more sexual in nature. A palm on the shoulder, or brief touch on the knee or thigh is acceptable. If you have generated massive rapport and attraction you can touch her neck, hair and ears.
- Never use lingering touches (unless you sense she is extremely in to you) or look at where you are touching. This is creepy and will BREAK rapport.
Use touch correctly and you’ll increase rapport, use it wrongly and you’ll break rapport.
Knowing when or where to touch comes back to being aware and experience. You must become good at reading her body language.
Probably the simplest and quickest way to build rapport is to smile.
There’s a myth you have to act like a dick or keep a stern facing when dating a woman in order to generate attraction. In fact, the opposite is true.
The woman you are meeting has taken a risk to meet a strange man (you) for a date. If you act tough, like you’ve just been released from prison, she is NOT going to like you and may fear for her safety.
- Smile to be FRIENDLY. Show that you are HAPPY to be on the date and that she is winning you over. Smile when you are looking at her and she is talking.
- Practise your smile in a mirror. Don’t go Joker on me. A big smile when you first meet, and a slight closed mouth smile during most of the date is enough. To get the smile right, imagine you know something amusing she doesn’t.
How not to smile:
Examples of a sly smile:
Worried that smiling will put you in the Friend Zone?
Look at the two pictures above and tell me women would friend zone either of those two because they smiled…
Yeah, didn’t think so. Their natural smile is very attractive. It exudes confidence, charm and sexiness.
Also, remember you aren’t just smiling. You are touching her, flirting, and talking about sex as described in my first date blueprint.
5. Improve your conversation skills
I’ve actually got to talk to her to win her over, rather than just sit there and look pretty?
I’m afraid so.
But most guys SUCK at conversation.
Here are some pointers.
- Actively listen. Listening is a SKILL. Too many guys bang on about themselves and don’t let the woman talk, or don’t pay attention when she is talking. Don’t be one of those guys. Instead LISTEN to her. Don’t interrupt her either. Instant rapport killer.
- Learn about her. The date is not all about you and your agenda. Rather than thinking ‘All I want to do is sleep with her’, take the time to get to know her. What is she about? What’s important in her world? Ask open ended questions and dive into her life.
- Voice tone. The inflection at the end of a sentence can be down, up or neutral. Down is typically a power move and can break rapport. Up is too try hard, and will make everything you say sound like a question. Aim to speak with a neutral inflection most of the time.
- Keep it positive. Charismatic people bring us up. They don’t talk about negative stuff. Leave everything that is wrong about your life at the door and do not talk about it. If she starts a negative topic, listen, then slowly guide it onto a more positive one when an opportunity arises naturally.
- Don’t disagree over minor points. She tells you she loves cooking and you hate it. Don’t say ‘I hate cooking. It’s such a waste of time. I can’t believe you like it.’ The only situation you should be disagreeing with her is if you want to banter a little and tease her.
How to tell when you’re in rapport
You’ll know you are in rapport with her when:
- Both of your body languages mirror each other. You suddenly notice you are sitting in exactly the same position, but mirrored versions of each other.
- She touches you. You’ve touched her a couple of times and she begins touching you back. She is comfortable enough to invade your personal space, and therefore must have strong degree of rapport with you.
- You use each other’s phrases. We all have words we use more frequently than others. Perhaps you always describe things as ‘amazing’. If you notice she starts saying ‘amazing’ when she didn’t at the beginning of the date, you are in rapport. You may notice yourself doing it back to her with some of her key words (which is another way you can generate rapport by the way).
- Her body language is open. Look for uncrossed legs (although women may not do this), uncrossed arms and her turning her body to face you. She may arch her back, and brush her hair away from her neck repeatedly. Also watch for her placing her hands on the table palm up. This is an open gesture indicating she has ‘nothing to hide’.
- Conversation flows naturally. The two of you are able to laugh and joke, and have got past the typical interview like questions that often plague dating.
- Time passes quickly. A two hour date flashes by in what seemed like 10 minutes. An extremely good sign.
Ways to quickly break rapport
Rapport can be broken quicker than it is created. Any of these might do it.
- You turn your body language away from her. Sometimes you may want to do this, but if rapport is fragile you are best to stick to mirroring.
- Your phone goes off. You’re having an amazing conversation and your phone beeps. You both stop to look at it. This will kill some of the rapport, so make sure your phone stays in your pocket and on silent.
- She smells your body odour. You have built fantastic rapport, but as she comes close she notices your halitosis or stench. Instant deal breaker. Brush your teeth and shower before a date.
- You do something obnoxious. You treat the bar staff like shit. You get angry or defensive. You throw stuff. You get blind drunk. You call her mum bad names. Any of this kills rapport dead.
- You say something she doesn’t like. You tell her you’ve slept with a prostitute. You tell her you’re a cat not a dog person. Because you don’t know her it’s impossible to know what subjects are taboo. But most people draw a similar line in the sand. Stay away from politics and religion as these are hot topics for most. If you do say something she doesn’t like, that’s all right. Just move on. You are here to show your personality not play it safe. But understand you may not get the rapport back.
Learning how to build rapport with people rapidly will improve your business and personal life. It is an essential skill when dating and one that you can excel at with practise.
Head over to the Recommended Reading page and pick up the book on body language. It’ll make you an expert in reading body language and increasing your awareness of your effect on others, something you must be able to do.
Then get out there and practise your rapport building skills on everyone you meet.