I believe fear of loss is the number one reason why men suck at dating.
Imagine if you had no fear. Imagine if you had the superpower to shrug off any criticism or bad feelings.
What if you didn’t fear losing the woman you are dating?
When dating we are playing a subtle game of chess. We are, knowingly or unknowingly, carefully trying to maneuver our opponent (our date) into a corner and win. Winning might mean getting a second date to some people, a kiss to others, or a sense that ‘this might be the one’ to another.
Regardless of what your objective is, you are playing. And with any game, you risk losing. You risk your carefully constructed moves blocked and countered at every opportunity. You risk never achieving your desired outcome.
And because of the risk, you don’t always give yourself fully on dates.
Let me explain.
Have you ever seen a world class athlete freeze under pressure? Despite years of training, and being at the top of their sporting profession, they crumble on the day and don’t perform.
Because they placed some much importance on winning, the fear of not doing so is overwhelming.
That fear manifests itself in many ways. It changes your physiology. It makes you tense. It makes you worry. It pulls you out of your unconscious, high performing mindset, where all your moves are performed automatically, into a state where you are having to concentrate hard to do even the most basic of tasks.
All of this leads to a sub-standard performance.
Have you ever been walking down a flight of stairs, and suddenly thought about what you’re doing. It’s a complicated task involving multiple limbs, momentum and height calculations. When you shift your focus to what you have been doing automatically, it suddenly seems challenging.
A couple of times I’ve even fallen down the last few steps because I thought about it too much!
Alright, that last bit isn’t exactly fear of loss, but it does demonstrate how you can damage your chances of success if you are too focussed on the outcome.
Why fear of loss is killing your chances
I remember when I first started dating. It was a novelty for me to have one on one time with a woman, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. My goal was sex followed by a relationship, and I brought that agenda into the first date.
And the date went well. So well I got a second date. Clearly she liked me enough to warrant one. But the second date is where things went wrong.
It was precisely because things were going WELL that things ended up falling apart. I was too scared to steer the date towards my goals because I feared losing what I already had (the opportunity to spend time in the company of a beautiful woman).
Fear of loss manifests itself in different ways.
- You avoid arranging dates because you don’t want to be rejected
- You give in to a woman’s every request, even if it is unreasonable
- You go out of your way to please her
- You avoid asking for what you want in bed
- You don’t take the lead on dates
- You let online chats fade out because you don’t want to risk asking her out and her never talking to you again
- You say you don’t have time to date
- You’re stifled in your online chat and text messaging
- You end up with the first woman who wants to go out with you, even if you’re not sure she’s right for you
- You stay in the wrong type of relationship far too long
You need to identify how fear of loss manifests itself in your dating world and take steps to reduce it.
Always take the risk
Imagine winning £1,000 in a quiz. Now the quizmaster offers you the chance to win £4,000 by answering one final question correctly. If you answer incorrectly, you lose the £1,000.
Do you take the £1,000 and walk away or risk it all to win £4,000?
To succeed in the dating game, you must ALWAYS take the shot. You must always be pushing forward towards your goal, no matter what it is. Otherwise you stagnate. You don’t improve.
In order to take the shot, you must be willing to lose what you already have.
Really think about that. I’ll say it again to hammer the point home.
You must continue to push towards your goal, even if you are comfortable where you are.
(Applies to all areas of life really)
In the beginning you will push the woman you are dating away. You will overcompensate, or do something stupid, or try something new that backfires.
But this is GOOD.
You tried. And because of that you will reach your goal quicker.
You will learn.
Your fear of loss will decrease ever so slightly.
You’ll be a bit more successful at dating.
But then you’ll lose again.
But you will learn.
And your fear of loss will decrease even more.
Until eventually you are able to act from a place of no fear. You don’t fear losing because you know you will lose, you know what it feels like, and you know it is the path to mastery.
What does no fear look like?
Once you reach that place, you start to win more often than you lose. You start to become highly attractive because you are acting from a place of strength, even when the odds are stacked against you.
On a date you will sense she is ready to be kissed, and you will go for it without any hesitation, because you aren’t concerned if you misread the situation and you never see her again.
You’ll ask the girl in the coffee shop out on a date because you don’t fear the shame of public humiliation when she says no.
You’ll ask for a special something you like in bed without fear or judgment or scaring her off, because you are able to deal with the response ‘No’ in a mature way.
You have built up a high Failure Tolerance. You’ve been there, done that, as they say, and it no longer fazes you.
You will never completely eliminate the fear of losing a woman you are dating. But by minimising how much mental effort you spend worrying about it, the more able you will be to bring your real, authentic self to a date. And being able to do that is highly attractive.
Learn to accept loss in order to succeed.