Below is a video transcript.
I’m just about to head to a speed dating event tonight, and I wanted to share with you some quick tips on how you can do better when you go to these kind of events.
1. Remember it’s a bit of fun
My first tip is to remember that it’s just a bit of fun. You’re probably realistically not going to find someone who is the love of your life at a speed dating event, but you might meet someone that you can have a few fun dates with and have a flirt with. I’m not saying you won’t meet that special someone but don’t go in with that expectation. Remember to smile, have fun and don’t be too worried about it.
2. Visualise success
Second thing, and I say this a lot, before you go into the event, visualise yourself having success.
Don’t go in thinking, “It’s going to be terrible. I’m going to be nervous.”
Go in with that positive mind. Go in imagining you are going to meet someone amazing, and sit, and visualise that.
Slow your breathing down, take time to relax because, again, and I’ve said this a million times, relaxing is the thing that will allow your nerves and your anxiety to just disappear so that when you do go into that environment, you’re showing up as more of your real self, more of the self that people who have known you a long time would know as the real you, your real personality.
What you’re doing if you’re going in nervous is you’re kind of putting up a bit of a wall and showing people perhaps not your best traits, your best attractive qualities. Breathe before you go in and to relax.
3. Be in the moment
A lot of people seem to have specific questions that they write down, and they spend a lot of time thinking about what kind of questions they’re going to ask the person before they go to the speed dating event. Now, I think the reason they do this is because they’re worried there’s going to be an awkward silence. I do the opposite. I’d go in with absolutely no questions at all. I have no idea what I’m going to say to the person until I sit down in front of them.
As a guy generally in speed dating, I’m the one who moves around. As I walk up to the person, I trust, I put totally faith that if I am present and if I’m in that moment, the right thing to say will pop into my mind and I just say it.
It might be offensive.
It might be rude.
It might be boring.
It might be funny.
It might be hilarious.
It could be just something that is so mundane, so plain and it gets no response but it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that I’m putting no pressure on myself whatsoever to come up with that funny thing or that funny line.
I trust in myself because I know that if I do that, the thing that I say is authentic to me. It’s the thing that is coming up for me and that’s quite a powerful thing to be able to do because even if, again, it’s not the funniest thing you say, the person that’s there knows that you are responding to them in the moment.
You are seeing them in the moment and that is perhaps authentic. That’s real. That’s what you’re trying to do when you’re dating is create a real connection with someone.
If you are nervous about this kind of thing, I would encourage you to perhaps have a backup list of questions. That’s fine to have some backup questions but keep them in your pocket.
Don’t use them.
Try going into the first five dates with nothing to say. You don’t have to actually say anything. You could sit there in total silence if … I mean, I’m not advising that obviously.
What I’m saying is don’t be afraid of the silences. There’s plenty you can do in that silence with your eyes, the way you look at them, the way you smile. All of that is conveying a lot of information to the person.
You don’t have to suddenly sit down and then blah blah instantly all this amazing funny stuff that comes up. People put far too much pressure on themselves.
Don’t go into it like that. Just go in thinking … Just say what you see almost.
I’ll give you an example. I would turn up. As I approach the table, maybe the girl is wearing a red dress. I go, “Wow, you’re wearing a red dress. Interesting. I dated someone who used to wear red dress. Apparently people who wear it are pretty confident. Are you confident? I see you’re drinking wine as well. Nice. What’s it like? I don’t drink wine. No.”
Now, it’s pretty hard to do this when I’m just making it up, but you can see there, there’s nothing really nothing amazing about what I just said, but it doesn’t matter because if you keep doing it, eventually something funny will come out that you didn’t even expect yourself to say.
Don’t rely on pre-prepared questions.
Just give it your best shot. Improvise in the moment. You’ll have more fun.
These articles will help:
- 5 Exercises to Unfilter Yourself for Dating Success
- Flirty Conversation: Techniques for Flirting in Everyday Chats
- How to Achieve Anything with Less Effort
4. Sit at 90 degrees
Another one is sitting arrangements.
Now, often in bars, the seats are opposite each other so you have one person sitting here. The girl is normally with their backs to the wall and the guys rotate along the front. The chairs are very opposite each other.
If I have the opportunity, when I walk up, I will move the chair around next to them, not right next to them, but in a 90 degree angle. Almost dropped the camera there. The perils of Apple headphones.
The reason I do that is because there’s something quite confrontational about sitting opposite someone. I just don’t really like it. You can’t touch.
I think touch is quite used very underratedly.
Touch is important when you’re making a point or you’re talking to someone, not necessarily in a sexual way, just to make them feel at ease. If done right, it’s good. If you’re sitting totally opposite them, there’s no way you can do that so I like to sit as close to them as I can.
It’s more intimate as well. It feels more like a date setting.
Not only that, but you can bet that you will be the only guy that will do that or only girl that will do that. It’s not so easy to girls because you’re not moving around the room so this is more on the guys.
If you do that, you will be the only guy to do it. I can guarantee that.
No other guys will have the balls to do it. If you do it, you’ll be remembered. You’ll be seen as very confident and that is an attractive quality.
Move the chairs. Try to sit in 90 degree to them if you can.
5. Wear something that can be commented on
Wear something that is a little bit quirky. I say quirky, something that’s going to make you memorable and stand out. The reason for this is, one, of course you need to be remembered because people will be making notes about you. They can go, “The one with the shiny jacket,” or whatever, whatever it is. It makes you stand out but it also gives them a point to talk about should they run out of things to say. It’s almost like a prop to aid them with the conversation.
I wear these wristbands. I got one on each arm and my jacket here has a little compass thing. It came with it. I didn’t stick it on there. I wear it because I quite like it. It’s not entirely for dating. I quite like it.
Also, I make a choice of wearing this kind of jacket because then when I’m on the date, if we run out of things to say, then she can go, “What’s that? Has that got any meaning?” You can perhaps make up a story about it or tell the truth, whatever you want.
Obviously, I’m not advocating lying.
I’m just saying if you’re going to make up a funny story, you may actually have a funny story about where you’ve got the jacket, or you may have a reason why you like it, and that gives a little bit of an insight into your personality.
It’s kind of an aid for them should you run out of things to say.
6. Deliver a sincere, non-physical compliment
Going back to my previous point about trust your instinct in the moment and not have set questions, if I run out of things to say, I will just look at them.
The easiest one for guys is comment on the jewellery. Girls often wear fabulous jewellery and guys never notice. Girls will spend a lot of time matching necklaces with earrings and it looks great. I think it looks great so I will say that if I see it.
Girls, you can do the same.
If there’s something about a guy that he’s wearing, comment on it.
Just say, “Wow, that’s a lovely piece of … That’s a lovely necklace you’ve got. Where did you get it? I like your wristband. Tell me is there a story regarding that?”
7. Ask open-ended questions
Finally, one last tip. Try and use open-ended questions if you are going to have questions.
Don’t ask yes or no questions such as have you been on a holiday? Yes.
It doesn’t give you much room to expand. Things like what’s the most exciting place you’ve been on a holiday is fun. It’s more fun than have you been on holiday recently.
Open-ended questions are better, if you’re going to use questions at all.
As I said, I generally stick to either making statements about the person because it’s a more of a playful, teasing vibe. That’s my personal style that I prefer to use rather than interview questions which can become a bit business-like and a bit formal, if that makes sense.
Anyway, those are my tips for speed dating. I’m just about to get in the taxi and see how I get on. I hope they prove useful for you as well.
Go out there, use them and I think you’ll enjoy them.