Congratulations. You’ve made it past the first date and reckon you are both attracted to one another. It’s time to set up and show up to the second date.
But what should you do? When should you organise it? Where should you go? Should you kiss her?
This torrent of questions runs through most guys’ minds when they contemplate a second date.
Below are some answers to help ease your mind.
1. When should I arrange a second date?
I’ve covered this in my article ‘When Should You Set Up a Second Date‘.
As a summary, you should contact the woman 1-2 days after the first date via text. Get the conversation going again to build rapport, and then ask when in the next 7 days she is free. You want to schedule the second date as soon after the first date as possible in order to keep the momentum going.
Leave it too long and she will either think you are not interested, or will be snapped up by one of the other guys pursuing her.
2. How do I deal with second date nerves?
Relax. The fact she agreed to go on a second date with you means she’s attracted to you. You’ve got the most difficult part (the first date) out of the way. Continue acting however you acted on the first date and you should be good.
3. Where should we go on a second date?
I typically invite her to my flat for a second date to cook her dinner, or watch a film. I do this because I want to sleep with her quickly, and mine is the obvious choice. If she hesitates or refuses to come to yours then pick a trendy bar and go there, just as you did on the first date.
Some guys plan expensive or intricate second dates. Whilst those do prove to a woman you are really in to her, I don’t think they are necessary. You may get caught in the trap of spending a lot of money on someone who will keep you at arms length, only to ditch you when someone better comes along who can take her on even more lavish dates.
By arranging a low-key date at my home, I am sub-communicating to her:
- I trust you enough to invite you to my home
- I don’t need fireworks or flashy gifts to prove myself to you
- I want to get to know your world, and a fancy restaurant, show or cinema is not the best place for that. I want to see you without pretense and pomp, and uncover who you really are when relaxed on a sofa
- I’m opening up my world to you. You will learn about me quickly by seeing how I act at home, the state of cleanliness, what’s in my fridge, items I have related to my hobbies, etc.
- Ultimately, I’m attempting to fast forward a year into the future and see if we get on when we’ve done all the fun, cool dating stuff and can enjoy each other’s company
The cynics will argue I should be making more of an effort to ‘woo’ or ‘impress’ the woman.
The premise of David Richo’s book ‘How To Be An Adult in Relationships’ (see recommended reading) is that we need 5 A’s for a satisfying relationship: Attention, Appreciation, Affection, Acceptance and Allowing. Which of these qualities can I give to her better on an elaborate date versus at home? In my mind, none.
Once I’ve established I do really like her and want to continue dating her I will arrange fun activities for us to do together. Not to impress, but because I think it will be fun to do.
4. What should I talk about on a second date?
As discussed in my first date blueprint, you should be letting her do most of the talking. The same goes for the second date. Follow the same process of asking about her life, family, passions, hobbies and sex life.
Refer to things she brought up in the first date and explore them further with open ended questions (it’s helpful to make notes about your date after the first date so you have some topics to discuss). Remember, the whole point of the first few dates is to build a connection and determine what type of relationship (shallow/deep, exclusive/non-exclusive) you want with this woman, if any.
Many men, in their eagerness to impress the woman by living up to her criteria, completely forget the criteria of their own. Both parties need to be doing an assessment.
If conversation runs dry, don’t fret. Either accept the silence (it can ramp up sexual tension when used correctly), or stay present and talk about whatever pops into your mind. The exercises on becoming unfiltered will help with this.
5. Should I go for the kiss on the second date?
You need to show the woman you are with you are a confident, sexual man and are not afraid to express your desires. Failing to kiss her on a second date is the fastest way into the Friend Zone. She may be very attracted to you, but if you don’t kiss her she will wonder what the matter is and could reject you.
Is she not attractive enough? Are you gay? Have you got sexual hangups? Are you not the confident guy she thought you were?
All of this and more is running through her mind.
So stop worrying, pick up your balls, and make a move. Pull her into you and kiss her on the lips. I’ve only had two instances this year when the girl I was with has pulled away. And one of them kissed me a few minutes later. To be fair, I attempted both of these kisses in public places, which was a bit much for them, so my fault.
But it doesn’t matter. You MUST make a move and not let whatever happens affect you. You may win, you may lose. It doesn’t matter. Do it anyway.
As you go on more dates you will become more adept at reading her body language and understanding when she wants to be kissed. The fact she agreed to a second date with you already indicates she is attracted to you. Don’t build the kiss up to be a big thing in your mind, it really isn’t.
Just go for it!
6. Should I sleep with her on the second date?
I advocate sleeping with a woman as quickly as possible, ideally on the first or second date. It demonstrates you are a Lover not a Provider, opening up a wider range of relationship configurations for you to choose from once you’ve learned more about her.
You also need to make sure you are compatible in bed before you decide to enter a relationship with her. If the sex is terrible, or she is not in to what you are in to, it is better to know up front.
Makes sure you know how to dominate in the bedroom to ensure she has a good time.
This all assumes you enjoy sex. If you don’t, that’s fine. You don’t have to sleep with her on the second date.
If you attempt to push the interaction towards sex, and it doesn’t happen, don’t worry either. Listen and feel what her mind and body are telling you. She may be interested but has the ‘three date rule’ in her head, despite being very attracted to you. The mere fact you attempted sex indicates you are not scared to show your raw sexual energy her. That’s an attractive quality.
One other point to note. If you have set yourself up as a Lover, she may assume you only want a one night stand. You should always treat her with respect and kindness post sex to show her you care about her. But you may also need to hint that you don’t just want a one night stand. A quick line such as ‘Next time we’ll do even more crazy stuff’ whilst lying next to her in bed is enough to plant the seed in her mind this isn’t a one time thing.
And if you suspect she may be girlfriend material then you should take her on a decent date in the near future (ie something more lavish than just inviting her over to your house for sex). It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, but you do need to exhibit a few Provider qualities so she understands you MAY be suitable boyfriend material after all.
Read more about sex on a second date in my FAQ.