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5 Exercises to Unfilter Yourself for Dating Success

In my ‘Stop Playing it Safe With Women’ article I advocate self-acceptance and allowing your natural personality to shine through on dates, without fear of loss.

But it’s easier said than done.

Too often people don’t ever show up to dates.

Sure, they are there physically. But their mind isn’t.

They’re distracted by the dark cloud of that work presentation they have to deliver the following day. Or worrying about how they come across. Or scared the conversation will run dry and result in awkwardness.

You may also not be capable of showing off your true personality because you are filtering yourself through fear of rejection, or the woman not liking you.

Ever had someone be really nice to you because they are trying to get you to like them? Feels odd doesn’t it, and certainly doesn’t help you connect with that person.

Now imagine someone whose opinion you don’t agree with, but you still trust and respect them because you sense they are being true to themselves, and genuinely believe what they say to be correct. That person isn’t trying to get you to like them, but their raw passion and directness IS attractive.

This is how you want to be when dating.

You’re dating will improve dramatically if you can show up physically AND mentally, and are able to communicate the true essence of who you are, your authentic self, to the person sitting across from you.

On the path to becoming more authentic, you must learn to become uncensored. Learning to say what you think, be direct, and not filter your thoughts too heavily.

Specific exercises

Below are five exercise to help you drop your guard and allow your real self to shine on dates. Pick the exercise you like the sound of the most and give it a go.

They seem trivial, but they will all help you access a more present state, heighten your awareness of the moment, and improve your conversational stills.

1. The Random Object

Ask a friend to throw you the nearest random object he sees. Then speak for sixty seconds about the object. Try not to say ‘um’ or ‘er’. But understand there are no rules. There is nothing you can say that is ‘wrong’.

The first time you try this exercise you may only manage 10 seconds. Being a man, you will come up with very factual information about the object you are holding. ‘It’s red and square’.

Keep going and you’ll notice by the end of the 60 seconds you will be saying some very absurd stuff. That’s excellent! Say the first thing that comes into your head even if it makes little sense. Stop your logical brain from jumping in and editing or criticising.

2. Street Walking

Walk down a busy street and say ‘Hi’ to everyone you pass. Looking them directly in the eye. Most will be shocked and won’t respond. Some will be embarrassed. Some will think you’re mad. Some will say hi back. And one or two you may even get into a conversation with.

3. Be Wrong

Deliberately answer a question incorrectly, knowing the person you are talking to knows you are wrong. They will correct you, which is fine. This is useful to stop you always needing to be right and impose your view on people.

Being wrong is fine.

4. Impulse Story

Find a friend and ask them to participate in a weird game with you.

First, ask your friend to name an object and a city in the world. Let’s pretend he says a toothbrush and Venice.

The aim of the game is to tell a story about the object in the city, but you will take it in turn with your friend to say a single word each.

For example:

You: The
Friend: toothbrush
You: went
Friend: to
You: the
Friend: bathroom
You: when
Friend: it
You: discovered
Friend: a
You: massive
Friend: dinosaur
You: was
Friend: living
You: in
Friend: his
You: Venice
Friend: apartment.
You: ‘How
Friend could
You: this
Friend: have
You: happened?’
Friend: it
You: screamed

I just did the exercise with myself and that’s the story I generated. Shit isn’t it 🙂

But that’s the point. The aim is to just keep going. Say the first words that come into your head. You are not trying to write the next Birdsong. You are training your brain to not think so much.

The more you play this simple game, the less filtered your everyday conversations will become and the easier you will find it to be creative and spontaneous on dates.

You could even play this game on a first date!

5. Brutal Honesty

Ever been in a situation where you felt like lying because the truth made you uncomfortable, or you expected it would reflect negatively on you?

An example might be a friend asking you to come to birthday drinks, but you don’t want to. Instead of saying ‘No thanks’, you come up with a crazy excuse.

Try not doing that for a week.

This week, be brutally honest when people ask you questions. Don’t feel like going out with your friend? Tell them. Don’t want to watch a film your date has suggested? Tell them.

The aim is not to do it in a way that offends or harms. You simply state your feelings plainly.

Bad example:

Her: Hey, let’s go to the cinema tonight to see this romantic comedy!
You: I’m really tired. I don’t want to go see your stupid movie. Such a rubbish idea.

Good example:

Her: Hey, let’s go to the cinema tonight to see this romantic comedy!
You: It’s been a long week and I’m feeling tired. Plus I’m not a fan of romantic comedies. Would you mind going with your friend, and we can get together on the weekend?

If you don’t normally act like this, people might see your change of character as a little off. But keep practising and you’ll find people will respect you much more for being straight-forward and direct in the long run.

When you are direct with people they often experience negative emotions due to their own lack of mental conditioning (‘But baby I want to see it! Don’t you like me? Is that why you don’t want to come with me!? You should do more stuff with me!’). Let them be like that. Don’t rise to it. You have done nothing wrong. You have stated your intentions clearly, and they have no reason to act negatively towards you.

Eventually they will either learn you don’t put up with that behaviour and change their attitude. Or they won’t, and you should consider if you want them in your lives.

Summary

Most of us gingerly expose our personalities to new people. We can take weeks or months of getting to know someone before we feel comfortable enough to reveal ourselves.

Some of us are so guarded we are never truly authentic with anyone.

But putting yourself out there is the most attractive quality you possess. Opening yourself up to rejection, criticism and displaying your vulnerability is what will dramatically improve your dating success.

Not only that, but you will find conversations you have on dates more free flowing and you’ll feel less nervous or anxious.

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